October 31, 2008

An Assault on the Dignity of Japanese Monsters

The Japanese haven’t “done” Halloween until recently, and even now, the idea of trick-or-treating seems strange to them. Nonetheless, the Japanese do have both a sophisticated horror aesthetic and a monster tradition that goes WAY back.

The creatures I'm referring to have lineages that predate Godzilla by centuries. They are known as the Yokai (“the otherworldly”), and there is a convenient field guide for those who are interested: Yokai Attack! The Japanese Monster Survival Guide by Hiroko Yoda.

This valuable tome teaches that the Oni is a formidable demon. But I’m plugged in enough to know that like many Japanese monsters, the Oni has suffered from a neotany makeover; this is the Japanese compulsion to make everything as cute as humanly possible. Fun Fact: Hello Kitty began life as an Oni, but has since been demoted to a mouthless mite. (Okay, I made that up.)

Washington Post reporter Blaine Harden
reveals that other creatures are less fortunate, e.g., the Onibaba (demon hag). She was formerly a “horribly unbalanced elderly woman who collects livers of unborn children.” Today, the Onibaba is a theme park mascot.

One monster that’s withstood assaults on its honor is Akaname (“the Filth Licker”). He eats bathtub scum. Try prettying THAT up. And if Akaname shows up in a Japanese house, it really is horrible. People in the Land of the Rising Standards of Hygiene take clean bathrooms seriously.

Pumpkins with Human Faces (and Pumpkin Seeds for Brains...Just Like Us!)

The Modern Mechanix blog has posted an article from a 1938 issue of Popular Science. It's about John Czeski, an Ohio farmer who made human pumpkin heads. That is, Czeski made a mold of the entire human head he wanted to reproduce. He would then set it over a young pumpkin. Once the pumpkin filled in the contours, the mold was removed.
This was so effective, it's almost fakey looking. (Hey, how do you spell that: "fakey"? "fakie"?)

How far have we come in anthropomorphic gourd technology in the following 70 years? Well, this guy grew a pumpkin with Mickey Mouse ears. Humph.

October 30, 2008

Zombie Movies as an Index of Societal Upheaval

Who knew? io9.com editor Annalee Newitz has established a connection between troubled times and the number of zombie movies produced.
A reader comments that there also seems to be a connection between the political party in power and undead film production. (Could be; how many zombie flicks were churned out under the Whigs or Federalists?)

Gird Your Loins and Cast a Ballot

I just finished voting. (Cue applause.) With my “secret ballot” duly sealed, I just need to mail it or do a drive-by at a ballot drop. Oregon has no other options; it’s strictly “vote-by-mail,” something that is intended to generate greater voter participation.

One thing I don’t have to worry about is running a gauntlet of rowdy thugs demanding to see my ballot. That IS, however, the time-honored American way. Writing in the New Yorker, Jill Lepore describes the case of Baltimore voter George Kyle, who tried to vote for his state’s congressman in 1859:
"As he neared the polls…a ruffian tried to snatch his ballots. Kyle... heard a cry: his brother, just behind him, had been struck. Next, someone clobbered Kyle... “I felt a pistol put to my head,” he said. Grazed by a bullet, he fell….Someone else fired a shot, hitting Kyle in the arm. [A man] threw a brick, knocking him off his feet. George Kyle picked himself up and ran. He never did cast his vote. Nor did his brother, who died of his wounds."
Kyle’s candidate not only lost the election, he also lost his appeal of the election. The House of Representatives found that any “man of ordinary courage” could have made his way to the polls that day.

From the founding of the U.S. until the 20th century, elections would not be invalidated unless “there was such a display of force [by opposition party members at the polling place] as ought to have intimidated men of ordinary firmness.” The Baltimore incident described above was no isolated incident; nearly 90 prospective voters were killed in the mid-1800s when they tried to vote on Election Day.

Also interesting, George Kyle was carrying his ballot with him to the polling place. The notion of a “secret ballot” was unknown and many states didn’t allow voting on paper. (Heck, Kentucky stuck to voting “by voice” until 1891!)

If you did bring your own ballot, you might have to fill it out right there at the polling place, which had no isolation booth. You had to supply the paper and remember every candidate for every office. Spelled a name wrong? Your vote was invalid.

In 1859, there wasn’t a single locale in the U.S. that provided ballots for its voters. This led political parties to print their own “party tickets” for voters to return. To advertise the party, these ballots came to be printed on colossal, bright sheets of paper that couldn’t be easily concealed as a person went to the polling place.

The state of Maine wised up to this and in 1831, protected voters by requiring uniform ballots. (Of course, the state didn’t actually PROVIDE the ballots.) This was not an example other states followed; secret ballots were suspicious; why would an honest American hide his political opinion?

But by following the example set by advanced civilizations like Australia and Maine, by 1896, government-printed ballots were used in 39 states. By the way, voter turnout during the 1800s averaged about 80% nationally. Though more types of people can vote safely today, we’re lucky to get 50% of people to the polls.

Cynics say that after the 2000 election debacle, people feel disenfranchised. Puh-leeze. Dismal voter turnouts predated 2000. It used to take bravery to vote in the U.S. Now that it’s safe and easy, one only has to care.

Both historic images above are from the Library of Congress; both are taken from Harper's Weekly. The first is from 1857, and the second (titled "The First Vote") is from a decade later.

October 29, 2008

Blazers' Opener Overshadowed by Fu Manchu

The Trail Blazers opened their season last night against the Lakers (we hates 'em!). How did the game go? Never mind.

It was overshadowed by
Charlotte Bobcat and former longhair Adam Morrison showing up at practice with a new look.

As teammate Jared Dudley pointed out, if it seems familiar, think Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy. But hey, at least Morrison hung on to his sparse Fu Manchu action.

As to the Blazers... oh, I still can't talk about it.

Campaign Blast from the Past

Paid for by the Friends of Stephen Douglas.


October 28, 2008

Killer Billboard

Where: The Yinji Shopping Mall in Zhengzhou, China.

What: A mannequin hanging by his neck from the top of the billboard.

Ad Translation: "It's better to invest money here [in China] than put it into the stock market." (Yes, it's a reference to the global financial crisis.)

Public Reaction: Panic. Crying children. Lots of complaints.

Official Reaction: A deputy director of the local trade bureau: "Without the hanging man, it's really not that shocking."

Jiang Chengpu (creative director of the ad): "We are making fun of the depressing stock market here. And the place the mannequin is hanging is right next to the stock index line."

Actually, Absquatulation COULD Be a Policy

Although American writers got skunked again on the Nobel Prize for Literature, the U.S. has made remarkable contributions to the world of words. For instance, it was in the U.S. that one of the coolest words of all time was invented: puckerstopple (to be embarrassed).

Sadly, this word is not used much anymore, which is a great source of puckerstopplement for me. Other auspicious words of American origin include:
  • goshbustified: very pleased
  • sockdologer: a heavy blow
  • blustrification: celebrating loudly
  • dumfungle: to use up
  • absquatulate: to leave quickly
Once in a while, one of these old-timers makes a comeback. In 2007, Senator Orrin Hatch protested a withdrawal from Iraq by saying, “Absquatulation is not a policy.”

As English is the official language of forty-four nations, and the unofficial international lingo, United States citizens communicate relatively easily when abroad. This also leads to a mindset that English is more universal than it actually is. This helps explain why Texas governor Miriam Ferguson once said, “If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for us.”

Our English reliance also puts American politicians at the mercy of interpreters when they travel. Consider Jimmy Carter’s 1977 trip to Poland. While there, the president said in English, “I have come to listen to your opinions and hear your desires for the future.” Carter’s interpreter then translated that to something that meant, “I desire the Polish people [in an inappropriate way.]” Oops! (Carter as a Naval Academy cadet, above.)

Extra Word Credit: After 9/11, Congress passed the USA PATRIOT Act. This is an acronym; do you know what it stands for?
My sources are here.

October 27, 2008

Free-Range Fever

"Free-range chicken ain't free and that ain't no range. Venison is free-range. The almighty Ruffled Grouse is free-range. I'm free-range. Chickens are incarcerated.... If it can't get away, it ain't free-range and I ain't interested."
Ted Nugent (with Shemane!) in Kill It & Grill It

Outlaw Oops

You might say that I'm impatient for the NBA season to start. In anticipation of it, here's Sergio Rodriguez oop-ing Travis Outlaw on two consecutive possessions last year. (The reaction of the guys on the Blazers' bench is classic.)

The Justice Society Gets Creative

The U.S. legal system can take some unexpected twists. For example, in California, U.S. District Court Judge Florence-Marie Cooper just took away a logo from the Mongols. (They're a motorcycle gang.)

Cooper granted an injunction disallowing gang members from wearing or distributing the Mongols' logo, and the government can now seize ANYTHING with the trademark. And the odd legality is that the U.S. government assumes control of the logo. So while Mongols can’t wear or fly their own symbol, anyone else can.
But since this is part of a nationwide crackdown on the Mongols for charges like murder, torture, and drug trafficking, it's hard to imagine a citizen hazarding a legal but foolhardy foray into Mongol biker gear.

Legal Loop II: A New York Times article about North Carolina lawyer Staple Hughes related that in the 1980s, he represented Jerry Cashwell, a man who privately admitted to Hughes that he had committed murder alone.
This was important because another man, Lee Hunt, was wrongly sentenced to life in prison for these very murders. At the time, Hughes could not tell anyone that he knew this was unjust imprisonment. A lawyer is required to keep a client’s secrets secret, even if it means that someone innocent goes to jail.

But in 2008, Hughes couldn't carry the truth around anymore. Jerry Cashwell—his original, murdering client—was dead, and the innocent Lee Hunt had spent 26 years behind bars. So Hughes tried to share what he knew. But no one wanted to hear it!

In fact, a judge ordered Hughes NOT to testify to what he knew. But Hughes did anyway, and for that, he was reported to his state bar and given a disciplinary complaint for professional misconduct. Experts in “legal ethics” agree that Hughes should've spoken up only if Lee Hunt was going to be executed for the crime he didn’t commit. Life behind bars? Deal with it. (Massachusetts is the only state that would have allowed Staple’s testimony.)

Last Legal Loop: When a certain executive candidate was recently asked to name a disagreeable Supreme Court decision, the candidate in question froze up. It must have been a lonely feeling. It was so uncomfortable to watch, many viewers wished they could help out by whispering an answer.

We weren't alone: A recent survey of professors of constitutional law and other court experts came up with plenty of controversial Supreme Court decisions to choose from. Many experts agreed that one of the all-time worst Supreme Court decisions was the relatively forgotten one of San Antonio School District vs. Rodriquez.

In 1973, the Supreme Court reached a 5-4 ruling held that education was NOT a fundamental right under the U.S. Constitution. The court also found that that funding differences between rich and poor school districts did not violate "equal protection of the laws.” (The kookiness of that ruling makes taking ownership of a motorcycle gang's logo seem rather... pedestrian in comparison!)

Event Announcement: "Fold your way into a prepubescent frenzy"

"Employ your immaturity at the New Millennium Paper Airplane Contest, a competition meant for New York City boy-men. Fold your way into a prepubescent frenzy, then be judged for your efforts. Categories include: Furthest Distance Flown, Longest Time Aloft and Most Spectacular Failure. Bring your own sandwiches (with crusts cut off)." The New York Hall of Science, Registration: paperairplanecontest.org
From today's New York Times.

October 24, 2008

Does Jay Walker Give Out Library Cards?

What makes a satisfying home library? Books, obviously, but one must have the right KIND of books. And even then, a huge library built of mere paperbacks is an unsatisfactory thing. One needs an agreeable ratio of hardbacks, first editions, limited print runs, and signed copies to make the paperbacks palatable.
Sprinkling in interesting artifacts can also enhance a book collection, giving it that neo-museum vibe. With this in mind, take a gander at Jay Walker's library. As an insanely wealthy Internet entrepreneur (he founded websites like Priceline.com) Walker could afford to have his library built to exacting specifications. For example, if you look above, you can see that his library has an original Sputnik 1 satellite hanging from the rafters. Nice.

Steven Levy got to write up Walker's library for Wired, (lucky rotter!), and his tour covers all three levels and 3,600 feet of Walker's jewel-embossed books, historical tomes, and first editions from the first printing presses. La biblioteca has more esoteric ephemera too, like a “framed napkin from 1943 on which Franklin D. Roosevelt outlined his plan to win World War II.”
I'd happily settle just for this reading alcove. Toward the window, that’s not a book, it’s a sculpture. Foreground: Andrea Cellarius's hand-painted celestial atlas (1660). If that's too old school for you, check out the technology corner.
Electronica:
One Laptop per Child XO (far left)
RadioShack TRS-80 Model 100
1911 typewriting machine and 1909 Kent radio (back)
Nazi-era Enigma code machine (contraption in center)
Johannes Trithemius' 1518 Polygraphiae (left of it)
Apple II motherboard (right)
Edison kinetoscope next to 1890 Edison phonograph (w/ wax cylinders)
IBM processor, circa 1960 (tube technology!)


If there is an unbecoming slobbering subtext to this blog entry, my apologies. I suppose I should be content with my own books, slightly rare and otherwise. After all, my guess is that just as I don't own any Andrea Cellarius, neither does Jay Walker have some of the titles in MY collection.

Sunrise, Sunset

Guerrilla stickers stick again. These Obama sunrise logos are appearing on street signs in Georgia, Virginia, and North Carolina. (Created by ad agency BooneOakley, the decals are apparently free at GObamaNC.com.)

Does this qualify as mischief, pernicious or otherwise? Dunno! Here's another question: Are there any sticker campaigns going on from the opposing party?

October 23, 2008

Puerility Defined

Note the color key on the bottom.

We're All in This Together... Hey, What's With the Knife?

The Gorani are a small ethnic group in the Balkans who maintain their traditional ways of life within a 21st century Europe. For example, inhabitants of two Gorani villages in southernmost Kosovo celebrate a four-day festival called the Sunet every five years.

Sunet’s most attention-getting feature is its mass circumcision, the origins of which are lost in the mists of the past. (Good News: I’ll never write a sentence like that again.) As explained in Der Spiegel, an impressive array of festivities have sprung up around this collective rite of passage, including “oil wrestling, tug-of-war, stone throwing and live music from traditional five-man brass bands.”

There were 130 participants in the most recent Sunet, all between 10 months and 5 years of age. The honors for the task fall to a 70-year old barber named Zylfikar Shishko. The barber knows his business; after 45 years of service, Shishko guesses he’s performed this duty more than 15,000 times.

In an odd turn of events (and pages), I finished Shalom Auslander’s memoir (pictured above) just before learning of the Gorani. Coincidence? (This makes me wonder what will happen when I finish my current book, Penn Jillette's How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker.)

October 22, 2008

Why Kevin Martin Is a Bad Person (Evidence to the Contrary Notwithstanding)

When Kevin Martin of the Sacramento Kings dunked on Greg Oden he won a $1,000 bet from teammate Mikki Moore. (The bet was on who would be the first to do so.) This is objectionable for two reasons:
1.) Gambling is bad.
2.) He dunked on Greg Oden. (Announcer: “Zzzz, blahblah—OH WHAT A MOVE!”)

ADDENDUM (10/28/08): The New York Times revealed that in the following game against the Clippers, Ricky Davis offered $500 to the first player who could dunk on Oden. It's a trend! Anyway, the Kings lost thanks to the Portland Armada of Sergio Rodriguez and Rudy Fernandez.

My Apologies

I appeared on AM Northwest this morning. Sadly, the link to the video is now gone. Where were you?

Our Botanical Blogosphere

Members of the blogosphere comprise a select group. After all, not just anyone can have a blog. (Correction: My fact-checker assures me that anyone can have a blog. So I got this license for nothing!?)

How about this: Out of the several billion people on the planet, only a select several hundred million are bloggers. Most of those blogs are written in Japanese (not English) and the ranks of Japanese bloggers have increased by one houseplant. Known as “Midori-san,” the botanical blogger is a hoya kerrii, which is called a "sweetheart plant" for its heart-shaped leaves.
Midori-san lives in a Japanese restaurant near Tokyo, where it writes with the assistance of leaf-sensors. These sensors combine temperature and weather information with signals from the plant. All this is fed into an algorithm, and… you don’t care, do you? The result is log postings like, "Today was a sunny day and I was able to sunbathe a lot... I had quite a bit of fun today."

Another entry: Deadbeat customer tried to dine-and-ditch today. I contemplated uprooting myself for pursuit. Chose to photosynthesize instead.” (Okay, I made that up.)

Am I resentful that a houseplant’s blog draws significantly more visitors than Unexpectedly Bart!? Of course! So while I weep bitter tears, take a spin to Midori-san’s blog and enjoy the different moods (and photos!) of a hoya kerrii.

Video from the Telegraph.co.uk:

October 21, 2008

Ghost Writers on the Storm

I don’t think the American people want politics and the presidency to become the plaything of the high-pressure men, of the ghostwriters, of the public relations men. I think they will be shocked by such contempt for the intelligence of the American people. This isn’t soap opera, this isn’t Ivory Soap versus Palmolive."
Adlai Stevenson in 1952, after seeing a TV ad (the first of its kind!) by Dwight Eisenhower. (Four years later, Stevenson's campaign would also use them.) Above, Stevenson arrives at the 1952 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. Photo from the Library of Congress.

The Best Chess Match You'll See Today

This chess game starts off drolly, but you'll be reaching for your blood pressure medication soon enough.

October 20, 2008

Just Hum Along If You Don't Know the Words

To protest the wastefulness of driving giant Hummers, the founders of Tag a Dummer have created a giant letter “D” which can be superimposed over the auto’s “H”. It turns a Hummer into a Dummer. See?

Whatever your feelings on this sort of mischief, the particular alteration above seems richly deserved. But as much as I like a troublemaker, I winced a bit at the site's disingenuous legal notice:
The creators of this website do not endorse any form of vandalism. The intention of the website is to educate people about driving certain vehicles that are on the market. Whatever a person does with the resources available on this site is 100% this person’s responsibility.
Yes, I'm sure the Dummer creators would be shocked (shocked!) to find that someone was actually using their big letters. (And do they actually qualify as vandalism?) No worries, though. Hummer owners are known for their enjoyment of a good hoax. After all, one could argue that they're playing one of their own every time they get behind the wheel.
Last Thing: It's doubtful that Hummer/Dummer owners will be persuaded to change their ways because of an adhesive letter on their car. So is the only rationale in adhering the letter their ridicule? While the petty part of my brain (about 92% of it!) applauds this notion, the Tag a Dummer website succeeds so admirably in its stated goal of educating visitors about Hummers, I wonder if they should stick with that and subtract the stickers. (Oh, and I believe the sticker above is a nice satirical twist on Hummer demonization)

The Man in the Cape

Since at least one U.S. presidential candidate seems to have super-powers, let’s check in with the last president who had the guts to wear a cape in public.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (pictured here at the 1945 Crimean Conference) was known to drape a cape around his shoulders, and somehow he did so with style. This is partly due to FDR’s innate savoir faire, but perhaps can also be credited to the fact that his mom made him wear a dress until he was five. (This was a common clothing choice for young boys in the 19th century.)
Photo from the Library of Congress. My sources are here.

October 19, 2008

Hikikomori Are People Too

A Japanese software company named Avex produces videos of people looking into the camera. These “starers” (who are all female, and nearly all young) have a tough gig. They need to be neutral and non-threatening, but shouldn't just stare blankly. (You can see the videos at the link above; to end a video, hit the button on your screen’s bottom right corner.)

You see, Avex wants to help the estimated one-million Japanese boys and men who have contracted the anti-social syndrome called "Hikikomori." (Those afflicted are also called Hikikomori.) Japan's Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare defines such a sufferer as "an individual who refuses to leave their parents' house, and isolates themselves away from society in their homes for a period exceeding six months.”

Hikikomori victims are almost exclusively male. (What, women aren’t ever interested in avoiding all live human interaction?) And the Avex videos allow the socially excluded to practice having a stranger gaze at them. Avex’s company literature states that their videos helps the Hikikomori “handle the fact that a sentient being sits across from them and awaits interaction."
This France 24 article gives more background on the problem (and has mildly inappropriate material toward the end). The piece's reliability may be a bit suspect, though. It quotes a purported American Hikikomori, which is absolutely ridiculous. I find it impossible to believe that a red-blooded American (or French-speaking Belgian) would forgo all live human interaction in order to play video games.

ADDENDUM: Hikikomori can be cured! A Reuters story out of Lagos, Nigeria tells of a father who took his 20-year old son to court on charges of "idleness." For refusing to obey his parents and for not engaging in productive activities, the young man got 30 strokes of a cane —right there!— and was sentenced to six months in prison. Situation resolved.

How Was I Supposed to Know What "Cease and Desist" Meant?

English teachers know that an intriguing sentence can be a terrific creative writing prompt. But the right stand-alone sentence can also tell its own story.

The editor(s) at One Sentence solicit "insignificant stories, everyday stories, or turning-point-in-your-life stories, boiled down to their bare essentials"— namely, one sentence. Examples below. (Site Warning: Some sentences are inappropriate for younger readers.)
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.

After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked, "Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?"

I have three giant bruises and a bit of a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.

The man who cut me off in the Starbucks parking lot proceeded to hold the door for me as we entered.

She tried to convert me to Christianity because I looked Jewish.

October 18, 2008

Yet Another Belgian Pre-Adolescent Alert!

Next time you have to pass a group of edgy-looking pre-adolescents on the street corner of a U.S. city, relax. American kids are peace-loving compromisers who are vastly less likely to initiate trouble than, say, Turkish or Icelandic youths.
I base this on the World Health Organization’s study of the “fighting habits” of 11-year olds from 41 countries. (There’s a summary here in the Economist. That’s its chart, BTW.)

As you can see, an 11-year old American boy is half as likely to get in a brawl as a French-speaking Belgian girl. (One off-site wag suggests that “American kids are too obese to form a fist, let alone throw a punch.”) Another big North American surprise is Canada’s relatively high rating. One reader from the Great White North posits that Canadian kids are more prone to fisticuffs because they play hockey. Could be! (That might also explain Russia’s high achievement in belligerence.)

October 17, 2008

America's Worst Writer (Who Also Happens to Be President)

Since time immemorial, savants have picked the winners of presidential elections based on Amazon.com’s bestseller rankings. Currently, Barack Obama’s book, The Audacity of Hope is ranked #52, while John McCain’s family memoir, Faith of My Fathers comes in at #2,822.

For the sake of non-argument, let’s assume that both of these candidates can write well. But who was the worst writer of any American president? Warren Harding is generally thought to be the worst president of the twentieth century. Journalist H. L. Mencken wrote of him, “No other such complete and dreadful nitwit is to be found in the pages of American history.” But was Harding's writing as bad as his administration? Mencken thought so, maintaining that it was “so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it.”

Of course, it was hardly Harding’s fault if he was a bad writer. First, his middle name was “Gamaliel.” Second, his mother nicknamed him “Winnie.” And thus Harding’s doom was assured.

What is odd is that Harding was a former journalist and newspaper owner who should have known his way around a prepositional phrase. To his credit, Harding wrote his own speeches. To his discredit, the results could sound like this: "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved."

Mencken again:
“He writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. . . . It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.”
You’d think that would be the final word, but when Harding died, E. E. Cummings snarkily lamented, “The only man, woman or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead.” Man, that's cold. (My sources are here.)

October 16, 2008

Endings You May Use in Your Next Novel

The following two sample chapter endings come from “Thrilling Chapter Endings You May Use in Your Next Novel” by Zhubin Parang. (It’s found in The McSweeney's Joke Book of Book Jokes.)
1.) [PROTAGONIST] grimly shook his head, knowing that his plan was not working, and also that the person reading this book has no idea that right now there is a Mad About You marathon on TV.

Note: This is a long shot, but if it works, the reader will be totally freaked out.
2.) “Does this mean we’re breaking up?” [MALE PROTAGONIST] asked, struggling to keep his voice from breaking.

“I think so,” [FEMALE PROTAGONIST] whispered, as tears rolled down her cheek. “I just think we’ve grown apart… I’m so sorry.”

[MALE PROTAGONIST] slowly nodded, and his thoughts briefly flitted to the day they first met, that summer after freshman year, when the world seemed to BOO!

Note: Ideally, this ending should be used in conjunction with some sort of timed firecracker device hidden in the book’s binding. Talk to your publisher.

The Gentle Discourse of American Elections

If you think the U.S. presidential election is getting a bit ugly, you're right. But David Kenner of Foreign Policy reminds us that it could be a lot worse. As a point of comparison, take Russia’s presidential election earlier this year.

Vladimir Putin plopped Dmitry Medvedev (above) into the president’s chair, but Liberal Democratic Party candidate Vladimir Zhirinovsky went down shooting. He used a high-powered rifle to shoot a cardboard cutout of Medvedev at a campaign rally.

How crazed was Zhirinovsky? At a televised debate, he shouted the following at candidate Andrei Bogdanov’s campaign manager:

“He’s a scoundrel! Look at his face! The guy’s sick! A typical schizoid! Any psychiatrist will tell you the guy’s a wacko.”

Zhirinovsky then pushed the campaign manager off the stage and told his bodyguard to take the man outside and shoot him.

This sort of puts complaints of un-retouched photos in a new light, wot?

The Wrong Kind of Writing on the Wall

The impulse to leave graffiti on walls is as old as... walls. (Right, an odd Portland example.) Recognizing this, the city council in Wadebridge, Cornwall erected their very own graffiti wall. At six-feet tall and 30-feet long, the idea was for the wall to provide a legal outlet for those looking to leave their mark in the world.

Cool idea. But although the wall's grand "opening" was scheduled for October 31st, someone couldn't wait. According to the Daily Mail, the anonymous malefactor snuck past the barriers around the wall and left this message:
Ironically, the wall was built with free materials and labor. According to Sergeant Robin Moorcroft, a further irony is that by trespassing and "vandalizing" the graffiti wall, this is now a crime scene. "It is now going to cost the taxpayer, as we will have to crime it, investigate it and paint over it."

Maybe the phantom sprayer should sneak back and add an "Oops!"

October 15, 2008

Upside-Down Dogs



Upside Down Dogs has pictures of dogs. They are taken while the dogs are upside-down.
Two questions:
1.) What do these dogs look like when they're right-side up?
2.) Who are their owners?

October 14, 2008

What's Your Bracket?

I used to have a sneaking suspicion that New Orleans center Tyson Chandler might be a jerk. I guess that was a mistaken impression; here's what he said on his blog about paying taxes:
...I can afford to pay more in taxes. But my parents, my grandparents, my cousins ... with what they make, they can't afford to cut back in their household with what they're trying to survive with…The upper class, we can take that hit…And we can afford to live nice lives.

I've lived in both situations… So, would I rather see my whole family struggle while I get a break, or have me not get a break while the rest of my family gets one? I'll take my entire family getting a break.
This viewpoint seems sensible, warm-hearted, and even patriotic. After all, the ancient Athenians considered it a civic privilege to pay taxes. Why? They cared about the future of their city-state. And that willingness to sacrifice to make one’s community better was the essence of patriotism. It was based on the belief that the community was, in a way, one's family.

Jody Wiser, the founder of Tax Fairness Oregon, agrees. In an Oregonian article, Wiser shared her belief that wealthy citizens need to pay more than they currently do. Wiser has nothing against rich folks… she is one! She says, "I deserve to be taxed, and if you give the wealthy a tax benefit, you're going to be giving it to me— and I don't need it.”

Wiser also knows that with her financial peers, it’s worth asking how their gains were gotten. For example, Wiser's family owned California farmland and the family made millions off of federal subsidies for “growing cotton in the desert," as she puts it. (The government subsidized this water-intensive, nonfood crop there because —wait for it— of the efforts of lobbyists.)

Anyway, patriotism may come down to how one defines the common good. What is our society's base denominator? Our family? Our state? There is no single answer, but I'm thinking anyone with a "country first" mentality would disagree with a statement like this:
Now you [Joe Biden] said recently that higher taxes or asking for higher taxes or paying higher taxes is patriotic. In the middle class of America which is where Todd and I have been all of our lives, that's not patriotic. Patriotic is saying, government, you know, you're not always the solution. In fact, too often you're the problem so, government, lessen the tax burden and on our families and get out of the way and let the private sector and our families grow and thrive and prosper.

Nerd Humor Defined

Don't Make Me Use These Bagpipes

The most colorful debt collectors in the world apparently work in Spain. According to Thomas Catan (writing in the WSJ), one collection company sends a Scottish Collector to a debtor’s home. The kilt-wearing "musician" then plays the bagpipes until he gets paid.

Another company called the “Monastery of Collection” sends faux-Franciscan friars to collect owed funds. And a man named Manuel Llan shows up at a debtor’s home wearing a top hat and bow tie. He carries a briefcase with a sign reading, "The Debt Collector in Top Hat and Tails."

Just by showing up and knocking on the door, Lian can claim a success rate of 60%. Why is this so effective? Because Spaniards care deeply about public image; family honor is everything, and humiliation must be avoided at any... cost.

So instead of making phone calls threatening legal action, a debt collector might phone the neighbors of the person he’s targeted. Coyly asking around about the debtor’s whereabouts, hurts the person’s public image and catalyzes payment.

The crown jewel in one Spanish collection company’s history was obtained this way: [We were] pursuing a wealthy Madrid couple who hadn't paid the bill for a lavish wedding reception... So [we] obtained the guest list. "We called two or three people on the list and said: 'We're charging you €500 for the chicken you ate, for your part of the wedding cake,' " Mr. Granda recalls."

The bill was then paid.

One couldn’t do this in the U.S., where it’s illegal to harass debtors. Instead, debt-owing Americans have to be dragged into court. This is also a Spanish option, but many small businesses prefer not to wait for the years it might take for a court case to be resolved.

And if all this sounds barbaric to you, a consumer advocate says that live bears are used by debt collectors in Russia. (No word on whether the bears play bagpipes.)

October 13, 2008

The Clouds Part

"Developments [in the modern world] are not merely beyond man’s intellectual scope; they are beyond him in volume and intensity; he simply cannot grasp the world’s economic and political problems. Faced with such matters, he feels his weakness, his inconsistency, his lack of effectiveness. He realizes that he depends on decisions over which he has no control, and that realization drives him to despair. Man cannot stay in this situation too long. He needs an ideological veil to cover harsh reality, some consolation, a raison d’etre, a sense of values. And only the books by Bart King offers him a remedy for a basically intolerable situation."
French philosopher Jacques Ellul (as quoted in Modernism, Media and Propaganda by Mark Wollaeger... and very slightly altered by our staff).

Streetballing English Bloke

Devin Harris is point guard for the New Jersey Nets. He was having a little fun on a neighborhood court when an English bloke (in a V-necked sweater) challenged Devin to one-on-one. (They start playing at 0:55.)

Turns out that the V-neck is London street ball legend (!?) Stuart Tanner. I like the way he sprints off after scoring.

"I liked the cheering and the course and enjoyed being a rabbit."

Nokia has a running team. They are known as the Woodland Creatures. As reported in The Sun, one of its members, dressed as a white rabbit, beat out about 12,000 competitors and won a London half-marathon.

Unmasked after the race, the winning Woodland Creature turned out to be John Muriithi of Kenya. Mr. Muriithi told a reporter: "I liked the cheering and the course and enjoyed being a rabbit."

October 11, 2008

Whippersnappers for Melville!

Massachusetts is engaged in an epic political battle over whether Herman Melville's Moby-Dick should be the state's official book.

According to an AP report, The state's House of Rep's recently passed just such a bill, but the state's Senate and governor have yet to sign off on it. The bill was sponsored by Rep. Christopher Speranzo, who claims he did so at the urging of elementary school students in his district.

Ri-ight. I fondly remember reading Moby-Dick in second grade; of course, it was an "annotated edition."

Some politicians have debated whether there are more deserving Massachusetts authors whose work deserves this distinction. For example, both Nathaniel Hawthorne and Louisa May Alcott might qualify. But referring to my third-grade English notes, I would disagree; those two authors were, respectively, a "poop head" and "some boring lady."

But I wonder: What Queequeg would make of all this?

Cheese Problems Solved

For 30 years, the Diagram Prize has been awarded to books with the oddest titles imaginable. Its winners tend to be specialized books aimed at a splinter of the book-buying public, like Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers or How to Avoid Huge Ships. But what about general-interest books with out-and-out bad titles?

Along these lines, Neal Stephenson’s new novel Anathem was singled out by the Paper Cuts blog for analysis on why it had such a bad title. (The fact that the title looks like Anathema was somehow missed.) This led to a call for reader submissions of bad book titles. Some selections:

Cooking With Pooh by Mouse Works

Sewer, Gas & Electric: The Public Works Trilogy by Matt Ruff

Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha by Roddy Doyle

Book by Robert Grudin

Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler

"Me, Hood!" by Mickey Spillane

The Dork of Cork by Chet Raymo

Women, Fire and Dangerous Things by George Lakoff

Memories of the Ford Administration by John Updike

The Human Stain by Philip Roth

My nominee? My wife has impeccable taste, and she loved Leif Enger’s novel So Brave, Young and Handsome. I’m happy to take her word on its virtues, but I ain’t reading any book with a title like that; what would the guys at the gun club think?

October 10, 2008

"Trick or— Great Scott!"

Below is footage of Hallowindow animation (done with Adobe Flash software) that is projected onto sheets hung in the window. Intriguing possibilities…

October 9, 2008

"Mission Control? Let's play two out of three."

Since chess requires substantial concentration, I enjoy photos of people playing chess under unusual circumstances. The prize-winner in this category used to be the kids who played chess on Daredevil Falls. (Yep, the pieces were magnetic.)

But NASA astronaut Greg Chamitoff now takes the prize for most otherworldly locale for a chess match: the International Space Station. Since it's hard to find good opponents in outer space (what, you think Russian cosmonauts can play? Please!), his opponent is Mission Control.
Yes, the pieces are magnetic. And actually, make that Mission Controls, as there are four of them (in the US, Russia, Japan, and Germany). Versions of the current chess game are maintained at all sites, and scientists at each of them can make moves. (Below is Houston’s flight controller Chris Edelen playing into the astronaut's hands.)

Chamitoff thought the games might be a good way to build an esprit de corps with the teams. But since he won the first game, Chamitoff may want to consider what would happen if he regularly drubs the Earthsiders.

“Mission control, do you read? I repeat, mission control, Mayday—”

The latest board positions of game two is to the left (Mission Control is playing black); NASA's coverage of chess in space is here.

Spanish Portland

Highlights of Rudy Fernandez's Sacramento game are in, including an eerily familiar alley-oop from Sergio Rodriguez. Further, both oops are carbon-copies of the one the two Spaniards executed last night against the Golden State Warriors just before halftime.

In less exciting news, Fernandez sprained his ankle and left the game last night, starter Steve Blake is out with a strained hamstring, starter Martell Webster is out with a broken metatarsal, Brandon Roy didn't play as he's coming off knee surgery... but at least it looks like Channing Frye will be back for the season opener. Oh, and Greg Oden rules.

October 8, 2008

A Fast Velocipede to Oregon

In the 21st century, the state of Oregon is known for its bike-friendly ways. Heck, even Portland police officers pedal in style; check out Portland's finest on a Belgian tall bike.

The Library of Congress has what may well be the first illustration linking bicycles with Oregon. The detail below is from “The Patriots Getting Their Beans,” an 1845 cartoon mocking new President James K. Polk's campaign supporters. The idea is that these sycophants (the "patriots") now want "beans," i.e., patronage and other official favors.
Polk's campaign platform favored favored expanding the U.S. in any way possible, including the re-annexation of the Oregon Territory. Thus we have a militia troop carrying a banner "For Oregon!! Liberty! or Death!!!" Their leader proclaims, "Follow me brave soldiers, strike but one blow, and Oregon is ours!"

Riding the primitive bicycle (or “velocipede" if you prefer) is South Carolinian John C. Calhoun. He was a frustrated aspirant for the 1844 Democratic nomination that Polk got, and departs the scene here in disgust. (Though Calhoun says he’s going south, he’s clearly headed west.)

At the top right, a German or Dutchman leaves in disgust, shouting, "Dod rot this administration! I've lost my sittivation that [former President John] Tyler give me, that was worth $15 a year! Dod rot 'em, I say!" Anyway, here's the full cartoon.
The above photo courtesy of cleverchimp. My sources are here.

Spanish Portland

The Portland Trail Blazers crushed the Sacramento Kings last night in an exhibition game. Though the game was not televised, there were numerous sweet assists from Portland's resident Spaniards, namely Sergio Rodriguez and Rudy Fernandez. Stuff like this:

October 7, 2008

Zinn’s Zinger

Howard Zinn's book, A People's History of the United States: 1492–Present, was published in 1980. It became the American history book of choice for progressives and social activists (and sold two million copies).

Fast-forward 23 years. In an interview with Robert Birnbaum, the author joked about the unlikelihood of conservative media mogul and Fox Television impresario Rupert Murdoch being a fan of his work.

But in a science-fictional turn of events, it turns out that someone at Fox Television was a fan. In an interview at Identity Theory.com, Zinn reveals that a network vice president once pitched A People’s History as a Fox documentary series.

Zinn was then contacted by an agent who brought Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in on the project as executive producers. Zinn recounts:
“Of course, [Fox was] attracted by the names. Aside from this vice president, probably none of them knew the book. Anyway, Fox fooled around with it for a couple of years. Then dropped it. My theory is that finally Rupert Murdoch read the book [laughter] and they dropped the project. I doubt it. He probably hasn’t read a book for years.”

October 6, 2008

Advertising Helps Me Decide: Burying the Goldfish

Henry Brown: Escape Artist

Henry “Box” Brown (b. 1816) achieved fame in 1849 for packing himself into a large shipping crate and having himself mailed from Virginia (where he was a slave) to Philadelphia (where he emerged a free man).
The above 1850 lithograph is a somewhat fanciful depiction of Brown's unpacking; that's Frederick Douglass to the left. (No, I don't know why the man on the right is holding a picnic basket.) Suddenly famous, Henry "Box" Brown became a spokesperson for the abolitionist movement, and as the Library of Congress notes, "The box itself became an abolitionist metaphor for the inhumanity and spiritual suffocation of slavery."

Fearful of professional slave hunters, Brown traveled to England and put on exhibitions and and magic shows where he was mailed from one performance to the next. (The act would begin with him being unpacked from a crate.) This theme was so popular, Brown added an act where he escaped from a suspended canvas bag wrapped with a padlocked chain. (Decades later, a Hungarian immigrant to the U.S. whose stage-name was Houdini took escapism to new heights.)
My sources are here.

Feeling Equanimous? You're Unbepissed Off

Ammon Shea's book, Reading the OED, relates the author's spine-tingling adventures perusing the 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary in one year. (That's millions of words, words, words.)

Shea's etymological musings will improve anyone's vocabulary. For example, now I know that "unbepissed," means "not urinated upon."

Your Philanthropist Crushed My Austin Martin

Philanthropist/actor Paul Newman (1925-2008) loved practical jokes (e.g., director Robert Altman found 200 live chickens in his trailer courtesy of Newman). The actor also had a passion for cars. As recounted by Eric Lax in Paul Newman: A Biography, he liked to combine the two:
[Newman's cars] became a joke with friends such as Robert Redford, who once gave Newman a Porsche as a present. The car, however, was a wreck — dented from an accident and missing its engine. Redford paid a dump truck driver to deposit the car in Newman’s driveway with a note attached: “Happy birthday.”

Newman had the car compressed, then placed in a wooden box at the Redford estate... He conceded that Redford won the gag by never acknowledging the box.
In his New York Times blog, Dick Cavett wrote of a similar incident in which Newman had Redford's Austin Martin sportscar towed away at night, compacted, and then returned to Redford's driveway.
The following morning the [crushed car] was gone from the Redford lawn. Dawn revealed it: it had suddenly and mysteriously found its way to the Newman residence, where it could be plainly seen . . . on the roof.
What I like about this is that Robert Redford left an apparently authentic blog comment in Cavett's column: “Paul replaced my Austin with an identical one of showroom quality”!

October 5, 2008

Subtle Butt

The Garment Guard company has launched a new product called Subtle Butt. To use, take two adhesive strips and insert them into underwear. Subtle Butt will then trap and eliminate the odor from any pongs or butt bongos. (It does not muffle sound, however.) Three cheers for "discreet antimicrobial carbon technology." (Okay, how about two?)

My Flat Top Swang

DeShawn Stevenson of the Washington Wizards cultivates his eccentricities. He'll be starting the NBA season with an odd flat-top haircut, and for the team's media day, he handed out his own wristbands.
Stevenson's teammates are as baffled as you. According to the Washington Post, Wizard center Brendan Haywood said, "What the [heck] does that mean? I won't know what to think until I know what it means. Right now I'm just confused."

The quote comes from Lil Wayne's song "Misunderstood": The wind blow, my dreads swang/He had hair like wool, like Wayne.

October 4, 2008

Whig Nostalgia, cont.: The Best Thing You'll Read About John Tyler Today

John Tyler (U.S. President 1841-1845) is memorable for the following reasons:

1.) The Whig V.P. was playing marbles when he learned of his promotion to the presidency. (President William Harrison died after only a month in office.)

2.) His wife, Julia, was the only First Lady who insisted on being called, “Mrs. Presidentress.” While living in the White House, Julia received guests while seated on a raised platform with a wreath of flowers on her head.

3.) As president, Tyler was vilified for being a flip-flopper. To illustrate, this detail from an 1844 cartoon shows a tiny Tyler being held aloft in a procession. The man holding him up complains, "Bedad, I can't carry you [Tyler] if you turn with every flaw of wind."

How willing was Tyler to reverse course? He was the only president ever elected to political office for both the United States and an opposing government: The Confederacy.

Fifteen years after leaving the White House, Tyler threw in his support with the rebels and was elected to a seat in the Confederacy’s newly formed House of Representatives.

Then he died. Bedad!
My sources are here.

October 3, 2008

Kevin Love: Trick Shot Oregonian

Winner of the Ig® Nobel Prize for Literature!

The 2008 Ig Nobel Prize for Literature goes to... David Sims for his study titled "You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations." (Published in Organization Studies.) I've posted an abstract of the article below; sorry, no full text available.

The Ig Nobel Prizes honor achievements that are amusing and thought-provoking. The idea is to celebrate "the unusual, honor the imaginative -- and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology." Other selected winners include:

NUTRITION: Two scientists who electronically modified the sound of a potato chip to make the person chewing the chip believe it to be crisper and fresher than it really was. Published as "The Role of Auditory Cues in Modulating the Perceived Crispness and Staleness of Potato Chips."

PEACE: The Swiss Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology for adopting the legal principle that plants have dignity. Published as "The Dignity of Living Beings With Regard to Plants. Moral Consideration of Plants for Their Own Sake."

ARCHAEOLOGY: Two scientists for measuring how the course of history can be scrambled by the actions of a armadillo. Published as "The Role of Armadillos in the Movement of Archaeological Materials: An Experimental Approach."

COGNITIVE SCIENCE: Assorted folks for discovering that slime molds can solve puzzles. Published as "Intelligence: Maze-Solving by an Amoeboid Organism," Nature."

PHYSICS: Two scientists for proving that heaps of string or hair will inevitably tangle themselves up in knots. Published as "Spontaneous Knotting of an Agitated String."

Full Ig Nobel results here. Abstract of David Sims article follows: Our patience with forming interpretations and reinterpretations of others' behaviour is not unlimited. The time comes when we lose interest in trying to understand, and conclude that another person is behaving in a way that is simply unacceptable. This paper explores the narratives that go with immoderate indignation, even for those best versed in the idea that they should attempt to understand the perspective of the other. The paper offers a reflexive comment on the difficulty of analysing such a topic, on the grounds that the phenomenon under discussion can debilitate analytic writing. Three narratives are discussed in which one person was seen as behaving in a despicable way by others. The description and analysis of the narratives are used to offer a narrative understanding of the process by which some people become indignant with others. It suggests a narrative construction of how sense is made of indignation, particularly in cases where two narratives come up against each other. It concludes by considering how the process of being indignant can produce conflicting emotions of joy and guilt for those involved.

October 2, 2008

Herpetological Favoritism: Lost Frogs and Beloved Turtles

In these troubled times, it’s nice to think back on a simpler, gentler age.

Unfortunately, I can’t. I’m stuck with what happened on May 31, 2007. With Portland’s Rose Festival in full swing, a young Jonathon Ware became a flesh-eating zombie.

That is to say that Jonathon had just had been face-painted as a zombie when a local TV newsperson swooped upon him for a real-time interview. We all know what happened next.

Just as a song can get caught in your head, the image of Jonathan’s 1,000-yard zombie stare and the masterful way he stunned the reporter has been stuck in my mind. I'm hoping to exorcise this viral today... and just to be safe, I’m going with the Bill O’Reilly mash-up of the episode too.

The idea of taking a child's touching or funny non sequitur and then riffing on it has an appeal. Take the website LostFrog.org, which takes a child-created "Lost frog" flyer and runs with it. Here's the original graphic; click through the site to see its permutation.
P.S. I'll find my frog.

What's So Hard About Self-Decapitation?

Harry Kellar (1849-1922) was a huge name in American magic in the late 19th/early 20th centuries. And he went out on top; after being named the first "Dean of American Magicians," Kellar retired a year later. But while he was performing, Kellar had arguably the finest posters of any performer. (Houdini's are dismal by comparison.)

As to Kellar's act, I can't really comment, but self-decapitation? Please. It's all done with smoke and mirrors and floating heads. (The guy supposedly had some pretty impressive levitation skills as well.)
These images are both from the Library of Congress; see my subset of them here or the whole LoC shebang here.

October 1, 2008

Where's Rick Riordan?

According to Forbes, these are the world’s best-paid authors over the last 12 months.

1.) J.K. Rowling made $300 million last year, which averages out to more than $820,000 a day (or $9.50 every second).
2.) James Patterson is a distant second with $50 million. (Muscle up!)
3.) Stephen King: $45 mill.
4.) Tom Clancy (right): $35 mill.
5.) Danielle Steel: $30 mill.
6.) John Grisham and Dean Koontz (tie): $25 mill.
8.) Ken Follett: $20 mill.
9.) Janet Evanovich: $17 mill.
10.) Nicholas Sparks: $16 mill.
(I'm on the extended list at number 859,072.)

Unlikely Voters and Time-Honored Accusations

According to NPR, Ohio Republicans are accusing Democrats of using free alcohol and concert tickets to get “unlikely voters" to register. (Unlikely voters are identified as "students and the homeless"!)

Does this sound familiar? Tell me it rings a bell.
Above: A Prohibition photo of government agents pouring liquor into a sewer following a 1921 raid in New York. From the Library of Congress.