Watch Me Saw Myself in Half While Swallowing a Sword

Personal News Dep't: My book, The Pocket Guide to Magic, is out.

“Gee, since it’s a pocket guide, I wonder if Bart had to leave anything OUT of a book like that?” you ask. (Look, just play along, okay?) 

The answer is that NOTHING was left out of this rabbit-covered pocket guide… save for the following wee tale of catching bullets that I like to call:

The Act That Didn’t Defy Death!

To generate suspense, magicians from Houdini to Criss Angel have put themselves in harm’s way performing daredevil escapes and outrageous illusions. Even a talented amateur like myself has felt the icy breath of death on my neck during a performance. Finishing a trick for my sister, I asked, “Is this your card?”

It wasn’t, and she chased me all the way down the block.

But the Bullet Catch is the most dangerous of the life-threatening illusions. You really shouldn’t learn how to do it! The idea is that at least one person fires a gun at the magician who then he catches the bullet on a plate held in front of him or in his teeth. To date, at least fourteen magicians have lost their lives either doing the trick or from complications after the trick has been performed.

One of these magicians was Magic Marvo, a performer in South America. He successfully caught a bullet and was probably feeling good about himself until someone in the audience stood up said something like, “Catch this!” The man then shot at the magician. Marvo didn’t make the catch. (What really stinks was that Marvo hadn’t even asked for a volunteer!)

Ratings Poetry

“Fighting” is rated PG-13.

It has fighting.

From A.O. Scott’s review of Fighting.

I Laughed While Reading, Part VII of III

Writer/radio personality Tyler Hughs on a standup performance he did in the second grade:

I went up there with my little lined sheet of paper with all my jokes written on it. And I had the number 10 printed on the back, because my final punch line was going to be, “And now, for my final number,” and I’d just hold it up and there would be the 10.

I expected gales of laughter and applause, but in reality what happened is, I panicked. I must have done at least one joke and there was a lot of silence and awkward energy, and I went right into my final punch line. And I just remember shock and confusion and I quickly left the stage.

From this week’s Portland Tribune profile by Peter Korn.

Lights. Cameras. Hey, where’s that book?

I have BIG news!

But before I share it, let me say that I had the chance this week to listen to a prominent author speak about his best-selling novel. In the course of his presentation, the author revealed that the book was being made into a film starring a reasonably prominent actor. (For those too weary to pursue links, that's Garth Stein talking about Racing in the Rain, soon-to-be-starring Patrick Dempsey.)

I have some good news of my own, but I’m not sure how to approach it. You see, broaching this sort of thing is fraught with peril. Everyone shares personal triumphs with family and friends. But how does one do so with strangers without coming off like a self-aggrandizing twit?

Marc Acito is a talented writer who found a nifty end-around to this conundrum. A few years ago at a literary festival, Acito let drop that a novel of his had been optioned for a film. (I know, it’s confusing. Isn’t there an option to make ANY book into a film?)

Anyway, Acito quickly added, “And if I was able to do it, then you can too!”

Did you see that? Self-puffery averted in lieu of inspirational cheerleading! (The last thing I remember was blindly high-fiving nearby spectators.)

So, here’s a hierarchy of good news that authors can share with others vis-à-vis movies. See if you can guess which one is mine!

1.) “My book will be turned into a movie starring Sean Penn. I will make a large heap of money and have full creative control.”

2.) “My book will be turned into a movie starring Vin Diesel. My artistic vision will be altered unrecognizably, but I will make a smallish heap of money. And my name will be in the credits!”

3.) “My book is being made into a made-for-TV movie. It will star Mark Harmon. And I will receive free basic-cable forever.”

4.) “A movie starring Bruce Campbell is in production. It will use a book that I wrote as a pivotal plot device. In fact, my book will be the murder weapon!”

5.) “A movie will probably get made. A character from this movie will have a copy of one of my books. The book will be visible on-screen from anywhere from a nano-second to an oh-no-second.”

6.)  “Someone went to a bookstore, bought one of my books, and then went to see a movie with the book still in his or her possession.”

Correct choice: 5.

I Winced While Reading, Part I of I

“Chesa Boudin [author of Gringo: A Coming of Age Story in Latin America] seems like a genial guy with a bright future stretching far ahead of him. If Gringo is any indication, that future should not include committing sentences to paper with the intention of distributing them widely.”

From Dwight Garner’s book review in today’s New York Times.

What could explain this horrible image? Could it be:

a. A prop from a horror film.

b. The result of a house-painter rinsing off.

c. A coolio shower curtain that I must possess.

d. The work of someone who works with meat looking for somewhere to dry her hands.

As always, the answer is C. Take a spin by Spinning Hat's offerings. They’ve got an interesting bath mat, for example! (Pioneer Woman ad from Life magazine, 1943.)

Who Moved My Cheddarvision?

Who Moved My Cheese? was a very successful book by Dr. Spencer Johnson. It was about business... stuff... I think.

Anyway, a number of Chinese publishers tried to capitalize on it with their own takes on the book's title, including Can I Move Your Cheese?, I Don’t Bother to Move Your Cheese, Chinese People Eat Cheese?, and Make the Cheese by Yourself!

This reminded me of the glories to be found at www.cheddarvision.tv. English farmers founded Cheddarvision a couple of years ago, and the site still has a live webcam featuring a West Country Farmhouse Cheddar cheese.

Yep, it's a 24-hour webcam broadcast of cheese. A big wheel of cheddar just sits in a dank, cheese-ripening warehouse, surrounded by hundreds of other cheeses. You want excitement? Once a week, a man comes in and turns the cheese to redistribute the moisture within. Yes!

Does this sound boring to you? Then you don’t love cheese! Or something. Anyway, Brits love allegedly “boring” websites. Check out this one (self-proclaimed as “probably Scotland’s dullest WebCam”) that shows nothing happening on a side street of a village near Glasgow.
Ooh, but the world's most boring website of all time deserves its own entry. (And no, you're not already on it, weisenheimer!)

The Metal Gods Smile Upon You

A couple of years back, 20-year-old Jesse Maggrah was listening to heavy metal on earphones. This was a bad idea, in that he was also walking on Canadian Pacific Railway tracks in Red Deer, Alberta. And the music was so loud, Maggrah didn’t hear the train moving toward him from behind at 30 mph.

But he felt it when the train hit him at 30 mph.

Jesse survived, though he did suffer broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a host of other injuries. His quote about the aftermath: “I thought, ‘…dude, you just got hit by a train.’” Also this:

“Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me, and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them. Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel.”

(The story originally ran in the Edmonton Sun, but they are charging money to read their version. Oh, and Jesse was listening to Gorgoroth at the moment of impact, if you must know.)

Much Effort! Little Effort!

I love the ending to this. (And yes, I'm aware that all I do now is post cute pictures and amusing international videos. Hey, I'm on a deadline, okay?)

What?

You have a problem with cute pictures? If so, think of this as bi-partisanship. (Photo from the Sriracha Tiger Zoo in Thailand. They specialize in "happy families"; that is, unusual groupings of animals, like this one.)

Quote of the Day

"We realise that people think the sound of Germans laughing is unusual, but we're sure the caller meant well."

German police officer, on responding to an emergency call. The caller thought she could hear someone being tortured in the woods. It turned out to be a man named Roland Hofmann. He was reading a funny book in the forest.

"Not the Bus!"

The judicious jurisprudence of Indiana Judge Julia Jent was revealed a few years ago. A teenaged girl was in Jent’s courtroom for a moving traffic violation, but the accused didn’t seem to care about either the offense or her possible punishment.

The teenager was…blasé!

So Judge Jent ordered the girl to park her car and ride the school bus.

Astoundingly, the girl wailed, “Not the bus!” and started to cry. This convinced the judge that a ride on the schoolbus was just the ticket for her teenaged offenders.

Over the past few years, Jent has ordered a largish quantity of guilty teens to ride the bus. If they do so, their cases are dismissed. No bus? No license. Yes fine. And the offenders still have to ride the bus! (And any parents caught driving the kids to school are found in contempt of court. Hey, it happens.)

While apparently legal, this strategy has led to the expected outrage. As this article reveals, one teen girl “had total driving restrictions for an entire semester. ‘Oh my God, you would have thought I gave her and her mother the death penalty,’ Jent said.” (Imagine how mad mother and daughter would have been if the bus didn’t have wheels?)

Words Overwhelm

"Another spam message pops up. It gets trapped. Nowhere to go. To the recycle bin. RIP CITY BABY."
Ben Golligan channeling Portland Trail Blazers' announcer Bill Schonely

Your e-mail inbox says a lot about you, according to psychologist Dave Greenfield, the founder of the Center for Internet Behavior. It may even be a reflection of your mental health. 

So I am, apparently, clinically insane. 

In a Wall Street Journal article (not accessible for linkage) Mr. Greenfield said, "If you keep your inbox full rather than empty, it may mean you keep your life cluttered in other ways. Do you cling to the past? Do you have a lot of unfinished business in your life?"

Well, duh.

On the other hand, if you obsessively clean your inbox every 10 minutes, you may be so quick to move on that you miss opportunities and ignore nuances. And overly polite people or needy people are most likely to feel obliged to participate in ping-pong correspondences with chatty friends. 

One of Greenfield’s clients had 500 old messages in his inbox, all needing responses. In desperation, he deleted all his messages and then sent an email to everyone on his contact list, telling them that his Internet service provider had failed and to resend anything important he hadn’t responded to already.

I think that was a stroke of genius.

As a case of inbox paralysis, consider the finance executive who had 10,000 emails in her inbox. She was advised to simply delete the oldest 9,000 and then attempt to follow-up on what was left. (By my calculations, that would still be a thousand!) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm wondering what the state of my e-mail's outbox says about me. (I think I know what Freud would say...)

Words Fail

I Laughed While Reading, Part VI of III

If Life Were Like
Middle School

JUDGE: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say in your defense before I sentence you?

CRIMINAL: Nope.

JUDGE: In that case, I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

VICTIM: Wait— what? That doesn't make any sense! He attacked me!

JUDGE: I don't care who started it.

From Ant Farm by Simon Rich.

In Remembrance of Bad April Fool's Days Past

First, let me assure you that the photos below are fake. (Not the bananas, though.) Okay, although it’s long gone now, nine years ago the BonsaiKitten.com website debuted. The idea? Shape a kitten's growth like a bonsai tree.

“You no longer need be satisfied with a house pet having the same mundane shape as all other members of its species. With Bonsai Kitten a world of variation awaits you, limited only by your own imagination.”

By sealing a kitten inside a glass container, it would grow into the shape dictated by its confines. If anything stuck out, the gardener simply pruned it. But hey, this wasn't cruel; the container had an airhole and everything!

While Bonsai Kittens were in bad taste, nothing can top (or bottom) the joke that Saddam Hussein's oldest son, Uday played. As related by John Green:

Between 1998 and 2000, Uday's newspaper published a different April Fool's Day story each year, including one that jokingly told the Iraqi people that their food ration would be increased to include bananas. The people were like, “Oh thank God, I'm so hungry,” and then Uday was like, “Just kidding,” and then the people were all like, “Oh, ha ha! That was a good one, Uday. It's nice to know that you're not too busy with your 1,200 automobiles to share a joke with the commoners now and again.”