Snarkiness Up, Snorkels Down

Author John Burningham’s first children’s book was Borka: The Adventures of a Goose with No Feathers (1963). And I read it! (Not in 1963, though.)

So I sat up and took notice when Mr. Burningham spoke up (here, in The Independent) about how kids’ lives have been getting progressively worse. In his words:

“I was lucky in that I did experience a hell of a lot of stuff. That's the terrible thing about being young in 2009. There are so many restrictions. All that running wild, and playing, and doing dangerous things, you can't do it, you really can't do it. It's 'Don't go out in the field [it might be risky.]”

This article came to mind because I recently got an e-mail from an adult who was shocked (SHOCKED!) to find that there is a reference to matches in The Pocket Guide to Boy Stuff. Among this person’s questions: “Was this book scrutinized by fire safety experts, pediatric professionals, burn unit emergency doctors?”

I was able to respond that the passage in question had been vetted by a state fire safety expert and a police officer who does safety training with kids. Further, I was able to provide review blurbs like this one from FamilyFun Magazine: “The author, a seasoned middle-school teacher, puts a premium on safety and common sense (the chapter on explosives, for example, has the most thoroughly convincing lecture on firework safety we've ever read).”

To no avail; a one-star reader review by the person in question was promptly meted out on-line. Ouchie! You see, the pocket guide also included a recipe for “hand-grenades.” These use baking soda and vinegar, a potent combo generating all the raw power of plastique explosives! (Oh wait, they only fizz over. But still.)

So at the moment, I’m nodding along with John Burningham. Perhaps it’s only a matter of time before all family households are equipped with the device to the left. It’ll make accidents less likely, and the pain won’t hurt as much if they do occur! PediSedate product description follows:

PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide, an anesthetic gas. The child comfortably becomes sedated while playing with a Nintendo Game Boy system or listening to music.

Former Talking Head on Current Revolution

David Byrne reviewed Jeff Mapes' book Pedaling Revolution in the New York Times. Excerpts follow; one of the things I found interesting is the matter-of-fact way that Byrne wraps up with an assumption that "creatively ambitious" people will eventually end up on bicycles.

[Jeff Mapes] argues that cycling promotion can raise society’s level of general fitness, since people exercise more when it seems less like exercise and more like something mostly enjoyable that also performs a function, like getting to work. “Bike and walking advocates,” he writes, “have been rebranding their cause as ‘active transportation,’ which manages to come off as nonthreatening to your average couch-bound American while carrying a nice touch of gravitas as well.”

Mapes finds the experience of riding around Portland — North America’s most bike-friendly city (though I think Vancouver is close) — so enjoyable that he takes as a given that it’s a positive thing... But as he and I know, there’s a lot of opposition. The United States is as much a car culture as ever, even if the companies that helped make us that way are now in ruins. And governments and urban planners have all been in on the game...

“Pedaling Revolution” is not about mountain biking… it’s not about racing, Lance Armstrong, or what kind of spandex to buy. Nor is it about the various forms of extreme biking that have arisen lately: bike jousting on specially made high-horse bikes, BMX tricks or the arcane world of fixed-gear bikes, or fixies. For decades, Americans have too often seen cycling as a kind of macho extreme sport, which has actually done a lot to damage the cause of winning acceptance for biking as a legitimate form of transportation...

As Mapes points out, when more women begin riding, that will signal a big change in attitude, which will prompt further changes in the direction of safety and elegance. I can ride till my legs are sore and it won’t make riding any cooler, but when attractive women are seen sitting upright going about their city business on bikes day and night, the crowds will surely follow.

...Greenways, safer bike lanes, pedestrian zones and bike parking places will make our cities not only more comfortable and enjoyable, but also, as Janette Sadik-Khan, the New York City transportation commissioner, said recently, more economically competitive as well, as more of them become places where people with ideas and creative ambitions want to both live and work.

Conferences Were Never More Fun

It's happened to all of us: Your conference meeting/bike ride attracts a third member, and suddenly your old tandem bicycle looks woefully inadequate. Dang! Another account lost.

But now, the Conference Bike is here. Imagine it: Seven riders working things out and pedaling for a common cause! Of course, some of the riders will be riding sideways or backwards, which is where a little something called "trust" comes into play. And what is a business meeting without trust? (I'm not really sure, to tell the truth. I've never been in a business meeting. But if I were, this is how I'd do it!)

I suppose you could also find out pretty easily who does and doesn't pull (or push) their weight around the office. Anyway, there are different Conference Bike models available; the top-of-the-line model is $12,750 for the bike that seats seven. (And seriously, I would LOVE to take one of these out for a ride. Ooh, and this gives me an excuse to use this graphic of a sculpture by Giancarlo Neri. This is not Photo-shopped; the chair and desk are just that big.)

Three Wolf Moon

As earlier noted, the odd item on Amazon.com can suddenly start generating customer reviews at an impossible rate.

Enter the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt. It's got over 700 customer reviews at the moment, and is currently Amazon's best-selling apparel item. As you can see from the design, it has kitsch appeal, unlike other unlikely products (like Tuscan Whole Milk). But the tripartite lupine design aside, let's get a sampling of those reviews:

“[Buying this shirt] was the best decision I’ve ever made, including the decisions I made to go to college, to marry my husband and to continue taking A.D.H.D. medication.”

“Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women.
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”

“When I opened the package, the focused radiance of the shirt actually burned my shadow onto the wall.”

“As soon as I put this shirt on the Bank called to apologize about trying to foreclose on my home.”

“I have been wearing this shirt for about 15 weeks and I have not needed to wash it! You don’t put this shirt on your torso you put it on your soul.”

Thanks to Peter Applebome for parsing the reviews!

Decontamination

Unexpectedly Bart! has long suffered from an identity crisis. Specifically, there’s been conflict between high-minded discourse (I think I wrote something like that once) and gross stuff.

But the slimy, the base, and the scatological have all had their day in the sun here. That sun has now set... only to rise again at Ultra-Gross!

You see, I've been working on a related book project that may or may not have something to do with all things gross. (Man, I'm wily!) And exiling my slimier material over to another blog is an act of decontamination.

After all, writing about gross stuff presents me with a unique danger. That is, people might link ME with the disgusting things I’m writing about. What a huge mistake that would be!

In order to avoid this association, I am taking special measures to insure that I myself am in no way gross.

First, I stopped manufacturing:

• waste water
• mucus
• dandruff
• and Tweets from my Twitter

Second, I showered four times daily. This process included exfoliation, defoliation, and deforestation. (Furthermore, I scrubbed between my toes!)

Finally, I began each day by looking at pictures of kittens, flowers, and puppies. This helped purify my mind from the toxic matters that my cruel editor (thanks for nothing, Jared!) forced me to research.

As you can see, I have sacrificed a lot. But as long as you do not link me in any way with grossness, it will have been worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on this awesome Ultra-Gross! website. (It’s top-notch!)

Faking Brilliance on Television

I appeared on AM Northwest this morning to chat with Helen Raptis and Dave Anderson about The Pocket Guide to Brilliance. (Boy, I look a bit smarmy, don’t I?)

To view the video, link through the photo above or here and scroll to the icon reading “Faking Your Way to Brilliance.”

Smarminess aside, see if you can guess where in the interview we start receiving off-screen directions that time is running out. (I blame this for my overestimation of Thomas Jefferson’s intellectual openness.)

The Many Uses of a Bicycle

Cadbury is raising funds to send 5000 bicycles to Africa. More pedal power to them. (You may want the short video to finish buffering before playing it.)