Gorgonzola & Geiger Counters

I have a soft spot for odd signs. Take this one for “Atomic Cheese” that recently showed up in our neighborhood. How is the cheese “atomic”? I don’t know, but its gorgonzola is getting a once-over with a Geiger counter before I buy any.

Now here’s a charmingly lighthearted street sign designed by the good person over at prettydang.com.

And in the realm of text-heaviness this sign a stone’s throw from my house advertises the sale of a building called “Ode to Rose’s.” (Rose’s was a beloved ice cream eatery that occupied the site earlier.)

FOR SALE

(True story.)

PRICE: More than a house less than a house on the [Alameda] ridge… maybe.

NOTE: This is an investment property. All the tenants (who rock, by the way) are staying. There are no owner/occupant options…. Sorry.

This unique phrasing hails from the frontal lobes of Renaissance man Kevin Cavenaugh.

Finally, let's close with a genuinely fanciful sign that was spotted on the London Underground and then posted on the London Underground.

Today Is “Ask A Stupid Question Day”!

What’s the opposite of a camel? One expert says that it’s a soap dish. It’s not alive, is found in moist places, and it has no hump. And if you think that’s a stupid question, you’re right! According to the Telegraph, this is a decades old American tradition. (Dang, I have to read a British newspaper to find that out?)

I guess stupid questions could take two forms: A question you should already know the answer to (“What’s my name?”) OR one that’s so rhetorical or inchoate, it never should have been posed at all. (“Which is older: pencils or dirt?”)

The Any Questions Answered (AQA) text service collected some of its stupidest questions and did a remarkably graceful job answering them, to wit:

Q: In Mars Bars, how much taller is Jeremy Clarkson than Tom Cruise?


A: A Mars bar is four inches long. Jeremy Clarkson measures 19.25 Mars Bars (six feet five), while Tom Cruise is 16.75 Mars bars high (five feet seven). That's a 2.5 Mars bar difference.

Q: What’s the funniest word in the world?


A: The funniest word in the English language is fartlek (an athletic training regime); other funny words include furphy, pratfall, parp and firkin.

Q: What is the best type of biscuit to make a mattress from?


A: The best type of biscuits to make a mattress from would be fig rolls or strawberry Newtons. They would be soft, but still provide some back support.

Q: I want to write a film script which makes me millions: what should it be about?


A: Based on the top-grossing films, your script should be about a young wizard and a robot looking for a ring on a pirate ship which sinks. Good luck.

Q: How long is a piece of string?


A: A piece of string is twice as long as half its length. It is usually shorter than the amount you need to wrap a parcel, but always long enough to tangle.

Selling Toys with Razor Blades

Let’s say you’re in charge of Play-Doh’s marketing account. The good news is that everyone knows what Play-Doh is. The bad news is that there’s a whole new generation of young parents who might think their kids are too cool to play with something that is so mainstream.

How can you get through to these hip, possibly tattooed parental units? By using reverse psychology! You market your totally safe, non-toxic toy in a way that makes it seem edgy and dangerous.

And so here it is: The only toy ad campaign I’ve ever seen that uses meat cleavers, and pills (!) to appeal to a demographic.

See, the idea is that kids can MAKE dangerous things that AREN'T actually dangerous. Ooh, it's a double-edged razor!

Your Corporate Identity Ran Over My Grammar Book

There are any number of companies with names that have become synonymous with the product or service they sell. "Xerox" used to be a good example of this, but it seems like it's been ages since I've heard Xerox used as a verb. (Which is a pity, as there probably aren't any other verbs with two Xs.)

Anyway, these types of companies jealously guard their corporate brand, and they encourage writers to always use ®, ©, or ™ when referring to them. Case in point, this gentle reminder from Kleenex (®, ©, and ™) which espouses corporate identity even as it flouts the laws of punctuation in a very silly way. (It seems like "Help us keep our identity ours" would be the most graceful solution, though I suspect there are at least three other possibilities.)

Words to Live By

As seen at the New Seasons' butcher counter.

Sort of Endorsed by Kanye West

I know it's old, but I just can't resist. Plus, this gives me a chance to share another Kanye gem: "I would never want a book's autograph."

Tourists Are Drawn by This Book's Tractor Beam

TravelPortland.com has a très hip video out extolling the virtues of our fair city, and— what’s this?

At about 58 seconds in, a certain book is shown on-screen that sums up all that is right with our metro area!

No, not that. This! (And it scores extra credit points courtesy of the Rudy Fernandez clip that runs just before my title appears.)

(And thanks for the hot tip, B.!)

Tweet Zing!

50 Cent May Fear Nothing, But Maoris Will Still Eat Him

I’m very excited about three new books today!

The best title comes courtesy of Christina Thompson, whose Come On Shore and We Will Kill and Eat You All is now out in paperback. It got a mixed review from the Times, but c’mon, who could resist going up to a book clerk or librarian and asking, “Do you have Come on Shore and We Will Kill and Eat You All?” (Official site here.)

Less gratuitous is The New Rules of Wealth by thirty-something millionaire Ben Benson. This is "book as lottery ticket", as ten random readers of the title will receive £100,000. (Each book is imprinted with a lottery number, and ten will be selected and announced.) So buy yours now, because as the book’s official website explains:

14,317 copies have already been sold and once their gone their gone. (sic)

Why would a millionaire give away money? Benson explains: “My motivation with the book is not to make money. If it was, I'd be using that £1million to start another company or buy a load of properties. The thing I really get excited about is helping people achieve what they want to achieve. We will sell a lot of copies of this book, but I don’t necessarily count things in terms of pounds and pence anymore.”

Lastly, rapper 50 Cent has co-written a book called The 50th Law. It is also about amassing wealth and power via “motivational philosophy”. And the book's packaging is Bible-esque because it's a “bible for success in life and work based on a single principle: fear nothing.” I get it! (But this guy thinks that’s silly.)

But hey, maybe The 50th Law has ringtone giveaways!

I Have No Choice

I used to post any press that my books got on my Amazon.com blog. It was the perfect place for stuff that (while very interesting to me) could be seen as "marketing" (blech!).

But since Amazon has cancelled their blog program, the kind review of The Pocket Guide to Mischief from Tweens Read must be shared here.

I know, it's an unfair world.

Local tweens describe this book as a page-turner and one in which they didn't want to miss any of the tidbits included…this title has bits of history, biography, vocabulary, and cross-cultural connections sprinkled liberally throughout.…A terrific selection for a reluctant reader who might not have found a niche with non-fiction yet, because the tone is so captivating and the information is delivered so well. I recommended it today to a reader who was looking to purchase a gift for a 9 year-old boy; when I described this book to her, she told me I'd nailed the perfect gift for him.