A Tale to Warm Your Library Card

We can agree that the traditional red phone booths (aka, “phone boxes”) that used to be all over the United Kingdom are cool. But who uses public phones anymore? Nobody. So why not put something that is cutting edge in the booth, like say, books?

Heck, why not put in a whole library?

The residents of a small village in Somerset have done just that. When their “Giles Gilbert Scott K6 design phone box” was threatened with demolition, the 800 people of Westbury-sub-Mendip defended its honor by buying the box and converting it to a lending library. A local councilor says, “This facility has turned a piece of street furniture into a community service in constant use.” He's not kidding; the library is open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. (Collect calls not accepted.)

Ooh, here's another way to get books to the people: The Library Bike!

Top photo from the BBC.co.uk, second from SWNS.com, third from parts unknown.

Multi-Tasking in the Oregonian

The Sunday Oregonian's "Books" section has a piece of mine about micro-literary criticism and Twitter. As the headline above shows, the formatting of the piece is spot-on.

But I also bring sad news: The author's photo accompanying the on-line article reveals me as both insufferably smarmy AND blurry around the edges. (Smarmy and blurry? Hmm, that's actually not half-bad...)

My Most Favorite Job: "Master of Cheese"

One of the most specialized jobs in the world is being a Maître Fromager (mate-trah fro-maj). That’s French for “Cheese Master.” It's not what you think; the Maître Fromager doesn't order the cheese around. Rather, he or she is in charge of tasting and testing different cheeses to judge their quality.

But it’s a dangerous job. Cheese elbow is a common injury the Maître Fromager can get from cutting pieces of different cheeses over and over again every day. (Insert your own "cutting the cheese" joke here.) Anyway, you can imagine how pleased I was to see that the new book Mastering Cheese is written by a duo of Cheese Masters. (So if you're looking for a holiday gift...)

Cookin' with Coolio

And they say publishing is in trouble. (I guess they hadn't counted on the Ghetto Gourmet.)

That Sound You Hear Is Barbie Screaming

This garish version of the Ken doll was announced in October... and cancelled in November! And so the product description is all that exists of this once-proud doll:

"Join the cool sophistication in breezy Palm Beach! Sporting a dashing jacquard-patterned jacket with a light pink polo shirt and crisp white pants, this Ken Doll is ready for the Palm Beach social season, sunning by the pool, and a stroll with his furry little companion. Fashion designed exclusively for the Silkstone Barbie Doll body... [this] includes a Ken doll, jacket, pink polo shirt, white shoes, dog with leash, swim trunks, accessories, doll stand, and certificate of authenticity."

From over here.

I Laughed, Cried, and Went Into a Violent Frenzy. (Then I Laughed Again.)

After $30,000, Don't You Get Free Shipping?

Me: Hi, I'd like to order the fireproof, signed editions of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 and Stephen King’s Firestarter.

Customer Rep: Excellent! You are aware that these books together cost $31,810?

Me: I am. Please put it on my Visa.

Customer Rep: Very good. With shipping, your order total will be $31,817.50.

Me: @#!%&!

Hard Living in Latvia: Now for 499 Years!

Riga is the capital of Latvia. I’ve never been there, but based on this Latvian tourist poster, now I'm afraid to go. Look, it's Hard to Live there!

What’s that? It should read “Hard to Leave”? No worries, I’m sure there wasn’t too much money budgeted for this ad campaign. It was a £500,000 campaign? Oops and double-oops.

Proofreading problems aside, what's with the Cyclops heart? Is the idea that it's "eye candy"? And in a final act of confusion, you'll note in the poster's bottom-right poster that it says:

Birthplace of Christmas Tree.

Now for 499 years.

My Promise: This Will Be the Finest 15 Seconds You String Together Today

Texting and Driving? That's SO 20th Century!

I suppose you could continue to settle for texting while you drive. But why engage in such anachronistic activities when you could word-process and drive at the same time? After all, it's now possible with the amazing Laptop Steering Wheel Desk!

What I especially enjoy about this very real product is that over at Amazon, customers have added their own images on the Laptop Steering Desk's product page. These photos (hypothetically) show the desk's use... and consequences.

Like the customer images, there doesn't appear to be a serious user review among the 76 currently posted on Amazon. Instead, some are outrageous put-ons:

"It allows me to prop my sheet music against the wheel, allowing me to play the guitar with both hands while driving."

Others are more serio-comic:

"Overall, if you plan on driving up mountain roads, or near schools or animals, I wouldn't suggest this product, but driving in straight lines with minimal turns is where this thing comes in handy."

How about "The Near Book of Big Death Experiences"? No, that's not it...

Having written more than my share of "big books", I look fondly at fellow entrants in the field. This title looks like the penultimate word on the subject:

Gotta love the marketing appeal of a near-dead person's soles!

Our Apologies for Remaining in Business

Austin, Texas, from L. Marie over here.

I Regret That I Am Unable to [insert whatever you were asking for here]

Edmund Wilson (1895-1972) was a famous writer. In fact, he was so famous, he apparently got asked to do a LOT of things. For free. (The nerve!)

To save time, Wilson came up with this all-purpose form rejection letter:

Let's see if I can appropriate that last line:

Bart King regrets that it is impossible for him, under any circumstances to receive unknown persons who have no apparent business with him.

THAT should keep those little scamps off my doorstep next Halloween!

Letter from here.

The Importance of Politeness in a Bank Robbery Note

From here. Ooh, and the robbery was unsuccessful. (I guess nice guys DO finish last... and then they get arrested!)