May 24, 2009

Decontamination

Unexpectedly Bart! has long suffered from an identity crisis. Specifically, there’s been conflict between high-minded discourse (I think I wrote something like that once) and gross stuff.

But the slimy, the base, and the scatological have all had their day in the sun here. That sun has now set... only to rise again at Ultra-Gross!

You see, I've been working on a related book project that may or may not have something to do with all things gross. (Man, I'm wily!) And exiling my slimier material over to another blog is an act of decontamination.

After all, writing about gross stuff presents me with a unique danger. That is, people might link ME with the disgusting things I’m writing about. What a huge mistake that would be!

In order to avoid this association, I am taking special measures to insure that I myself am in no way gross.

First, I stopped manufacturing:
  • waste water
  • mucus
  • dandruff
  • and Tweets from my Twitter
Second, I showered four times daily. This process included exfoliation, defoliation, and deforestation. (Furthermore, I scrubbed between my toes!)

Finally, I began each day by looking at pictures of kittens, flowers, and puppies. This helped purify my mind from the toxic matters that my cruel editor (thanks for nothing, Jared!) forced me to research.

As you can see, I have sacrificed a lot. But as long as you do not link me in any way with grossness, it will have been worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on this awesome Ultra-Gross! website. (It’s top-notch!)

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