How about "The Near Book of Big Death Experiences"? No, that's not it...

Having written more than my share of "big books", I look fondly at fellow entrants in the field. This title looks like the penultimate word on the subject:

Gotta love the marketing appeal of a near-dead person's soles!

Our Apologies for Remaining in Business

Austin, Texas, from L. Marie over here.

I Regret That I Am Unable to [insert whatever you were asking for here]

Edmund Wilson (1895-1972) was a famous writer. In fact, he was so famous, he apparently got asked to do a LOT of things. For free. (The nerve!)

To save time, Wilson came up with this all-purpose form rejection letter:

Let's see if I can appropriate that last line:

Bart King regrets that it is impossible for him, under any circumstances to receive unknown persons who have no apparent business with him.

THAT should keep those little scamps off my doorstep next Halloween!

Letter from here.

The Importance of Politeness in a Bank Robbery Note

From here. Ooh, and the robbery was unsuccessful. (I guess nice guys DO finish last... and then they get arrested!)

Man, 1986 Never Seemed So Far Away

But they really ARE disturbing others, aren't they?

(From this book here.)

Zombie Romances: The Book?

I admire the moxie of this book, though you may wonder, "Has the time come for an anthology of zombie romance?"

According to Lori Perkins, editor of Hungry for Your Love, "The zombie mythos is the perfect metaphor for the end of an era, for a society beset with change it doesn't understand but knows is here."

Hmm. What about "This is a great way to capitalize on a cross-genre literary craze." (I do like the idea of recruiting romance writers to pen zombie stories, though. It's almost as good as having economists write poetry!)

What Would Happen If You Dressed Your Dog Up as the Velveteen Rabbit?

This.

(From a New Yorker contest where people dress their pets up as literary characters.)

Your eyes glow like naked livers burning in the sun.

What a rip-off! I went to the Surrealist Compliment Generator and I got this:

Troglodyte kidneys measure sardonic spasms not unlike the movements of an albatross buried in creosote.

That's not even a compliment!

Quintuple Vowels, Okay. The Letter 'G'? Not So Much.

The Associated Press Stylebook is the go-to reference for journalists questioning grammar. The Fake AP Stylebook is a Twitter service that mocks it very, very well. Examples follow:

—“Avoid using the letter ‘G’ as it is unlucky.”

—“Precede basic statements of fact with ‘allegedly’ to avoid accusations of bias: ‘the allegedly wet water,’ ‘the allegedly poisonous poison.’”

—“Use the quintuple vowel to transcribe the utterances of small children, ‘Daaaaaddy, I waaaant a Pooooony!’”

—“If you do not have an interviewees’ full title, use their most defining physical trait (e.g. ‘Alan Hayes, fat guy, said…’)”

—“The numbers one through ten should be spelled out while numbers greater than ten are products of the Illuminati and should be avoided.”