... but the new edition of
The Pocket Guide to Spy Stuff comes out next month. And not to brag, but you’ve
never seen anything like it!
LEGAL NOTE: You may have seen something like it. However,
this *updated* version is stuffed with expanded material on timely topics like
misinformation, propaganda, and spy-jinks! Plus, jokes. Jokes are good.
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation from Bosworth University! We
look forward to seeing you at the commencement ceremony. This will be an event
that families, fellow students, and professors can all enjoy together.
Unfortunately, it’s been brought to our attention that some
students may elect to go naked beneath their graduation robes in an activity
called “hospital gown-ing.” While we appreciate high-spirited hijinks as much
as the next university administration, it is our duty to inform you that
graduating while naked runs counter to our school’s Mission Statement. (Please
refer to the course catalog. It’s right there on page 17, after the section
about the required senior thesis and before the warnings about proper cafeteria
We are reluctant to employ punitive measures at the
commencement, so students caught “gown-ing” will not be stripped of their
diplomas on the spot. Instead, we will award their ceremonial placeholders
onstage along with everyone else’s.
The subsequent mailing of the actual diplomas, however, will
You may wonder, “But how would you even know if I were nude beneath my robe?” Good question. Consider two
factors: your robe is made of the sheerest polyester fabric, and the
commencement stage is located at our outdoor amphitheater . . . aka “the Wind
Imagine waiting in excitement to mount the stairs to the
stage. Your full given name is called, and as you stride forth, your image
appears on the Jumbotron screen for all of the assembled guests to witness.
Photos are taken, videos roll, and just then, you’re hit by a sudden gust of
wind. Your flimsy robe wraps tightly against your body, like cling wrap
stretched across a platter of holiday leftovers.
A child cries out in alarm, and then another, even as an
elderly gentleman in the front row clutches his chest and requires medical
So yes, we will know that you are “au naturel.” EVERYONE
And while we’re on this subject, there are a number of other
behaviors that will result in the withholding of your diploma, including the
— Zooming the commencement speaker with a drone
— Soliciting contributions to your GoFundMe campaign to pay
off student loans
— Having more than three overdue library books
— Throwing your mortarboard Frisbee-style at the professor
who gave you a C- in Anthropology 205
— Carrying signs of an overtly political nature
— Carrying graduate students of an overtly political nature
— Spraying silly string on the Vice Chancellor
— Promising to stay in touch with classmates, even as your
conscience recoils at such a blatant falsehood
— (Business School graduates only) Excessive alumni
If this list seems overly prohibitive, please feel free to
do whatever you wish with your tassel. (Nobody really understands the rule
regarding tassels anyway.)
Thank you very much for your attention on this matter. We
look forward to seeing you — but just the decent bits — at the ceremony. And
once again, congratulations on your achievement!