I Regret That I Am Unable to [insert whatever you were asking for here]

Edmund Wilson (1895-1972) was a famous writer. In fact, he was so famous, he apparently got asked to do a LOT of things. For free. (The nerve!)

To save time, Wilson came up with this all-purpose form rejection letter:

Let's see if I can appropriate that last line:

Bart King regrets that it is impossible for him, under any circumstances to receive unknown persons who have no apparent business with him.

THAT should keep those little scamps off my doorstep next Halloween!

Letter from here.