I Have Good News and Bad News

GOOD NEWS! New York Times columnist Nicholas D. Kristof recommended that every boy in the U.S. read The Big Book of Gross Stuff! In his column “The Boys Have Fallen Behind” in yesterday’s edition, Kristof wrote:

“One remedy [for poor reading skills] may be to encourage lowbrow, adventure or even gross-out books that disproportionately appeal to boys.”

(Okay, so he ALMOST recommended it!)

BAD NEWS! An article on Gross Stuff that ran in the Oregonian yesterday ended with this unfortunate line:

“King, in all his grossness, lives in Portland.”

What the what? I’m not gross at all! You see, as this book’s author, I face a unique danger. People might link ME with the disgusting things I’m writing about!

Not wanting to be contaminated in this way, I’ve taken special steps to ensure that I myself am in no way gross. So during the writing of Gross Stuff, I stopped making:

• mucus
• dandruff
• tweets from my Twitter

Furthermore, I showered twice daily. This process included exfoliation, defoliation, and deforestation. (Plus, I scrubbed between my toes!)

Finally, before sitting down to write, I looked at pictures of kittens, flowers, and puppies. This helped purify and protect my mind from the horrible topics that my cruel editor forced me to research.

So there!