A reader emailed me this question:
"I would really like to know what you would do if you found a crash-landed UFO outside somewhere and an alien inside of it that had survived."
In a bizarre coincidence, I was just engaged in a high-level experiment designed to test what I would do if a UFO crashed somewhere and an alien were found inside. Weird!
So first, I had a UFO with an alien inside crash near my home. (This proved easy to arrange.) Carefully, I approached the space vehicle. It sort of looked like a giant dog food can with a cupcake on top. I opened what appeared to be a door and looked in.
I saw movement!
Gently, I threw in an object that was guaranteed to prove that I meant no harm and that intelligent life exists on our planet. Then I backed away from the door.
From inside the ship, I heard strange warblings. At first, they sounded friendly and curious, but then the alien seemed to begin screaming. Suddenly, an item flew out of the spacecraft door, the door slammed shut, and the entire UFO lurched into the sky and flew off!
What could have frightened them away? Looking down at my feet, I was startled to see that the item I had given them had been chucked right back: A signed copy of "The Pocket Guide to Mischief."