What Mary Berry Would Say to Her Patients if She Were a Podiatrist

There is only ONE reality show I will watch, and that’s The Great British Bake Off. This is slightly unusual, because I barely cook, and I certainly don’t bake. 

But the show is absolutely charming. The judges and hosts are intelligent and gentle. The contestants are funny, and instead of sabotaging each other, they often HELP each other. In short, it’s civilized—and nothing like almost all reality shows! 

Mary Berry is a well-known baker who serves as one of the judges. And for no particular reason, I wondered what how she’d speak if she were a podiatrist (foot doctor) instead of a baking judge. So with no further ado, here's . . .

What Mary Berry Would Say to Her Patients if She Were a Podiatrist

• “This is a tight crumb and a good crust. That would be just cracking if I were referring to a fruit pie, but these are your feet, dear.”
• “A ginger treacle tray bake is absolutely scrummy. But add a bunion to the mix? Disaster.”
• “They’re over-baked but not burnt. However, next time, I’d recommend not going barefoot in Tucson in the summer.”
• “You have absolutely lovely heels. They would make Queen Victoria proud.”     
• “It’s trench foot, I’m afraid. Just look at this soggy bottom.”
• “Whether you’re kneading dough for some simple scones, or baking Cinnamon Kugelhopf with Honeyed Apples, be sure to mind that Hammertoe.”
• “Oh, your arches have fallen. It’s a pity.”
• “These ingrown toenails are cutting through very nicely. Well done on their part, though an inconvenience for you, no doubt.”