August 11, 2011

Lights! Cameras! Hey, where’s that Bart King book?

You MIGHT remember this quiz that had to do with news about a big Hollywood movie and little old me. See if you can select the proper choice:

1.) “My book will be turned into a movie starring Sean Penn. I will make a large heap of money and have full creative control.”

2.) “My book will be turned into a movie starring Vin Diesel. My artistic vision will be altered unrecognizably, but I will make a smallish heap of money. And my name will be in the credits!”

3.) “My book is being made into a made-for-TV movie. It will star David Hasselhoff. And I will receive free basic-cable forever.”

4.) “A movie starring Bruce Campbell is in production. It will use a book that I wrote as a pivotal plot device. In fact, my book will be the murder weapon!”

5.) “A character in a big-budget Disney movie will have a copy of one of my books. The book will be visible on-screen from anywhere from a nano-second to an oh-no-second. This movie will be one of the biggest box-office bombs in movie history.”
Correct choice: 5.

The movie: Mars Needs Moms. If you don’t remember this big-budget Disney film from March of THIS year, it’s because Mars Needs Moms came and went fast . . . but not fast enough to prevent the New York Times from calling it: 
“One of the biggest box-office bombs in movie history.”
But what went wrong? Mars Needs Moms had big stars, highly-paid talent behind the cameras, and state-of-the-art special effects! There are various theories about what the problem was, including:
  • Seth Green
  • The creepily unnerving combination of live action and animation.
  • Nobody wanting to see a movie about moms being kidnapped, least of all kids.

But the film was doomed for a much simpler reason. Look at this freeze-frame; The Big Book of Boy Stuff is visible to the left (apologies for the low resolution).

"So what?" you ask? Take a closer look!

That’s right, The Big Book of Boy Stuff has been reduced from its 315 page glory to a mere . . . PAMPHLET. We can all see what happened next: My outraged and disappointed fans (both of them!) passed along the bad word-of-mouth that ensured this movie’s demise.

But to end on a more hopeful note, let me encourage Hollywood to try again. If I may, I know of a certain title that has REAL box office potential. I don’t want to say too much, but it’s got a certain magic, a je ne sais quoi quality that could make it an adorable little blockbuster . . . 

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