Tweet Day!

Even though my dental hygienist retired, I still email her updates on my teeth. After all, she always seemed so interested in them.

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 15, 2015

"Hey, I saw you at Grocery Outlet yesterday." "As an artist I need to witness the human condition. Plus, canned peaches were on sale!"

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 14, 2015

"So Bart, you're an accomplished scholar. What's your field of study?" "It's pronounced 'scowler'—and my expertise is in grimacing."

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 14, 2015

On my first day of jury duty, I hug a courthouse pillar: "Sir? What are you doing?" "Holding court." "You're under arrest."

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 14, 2015

"Would you like some of our restaurant's own ketchup? It's house-made." "Um—is that the same as homemade?" "No, HOUSE-made." ". . ."

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 12, 2015