If anyone ever corrects your grammar, do this:

YOU: Knock, knock.

THEM: Who's there?

YOU: To.

THEM: To who?

YOU: No, it's "to WHOM.” 🧐

Here's one way to start 2017 — with really bad jokes!

I've decided my new year's resolutions will work better in tiff.

(And let's forget about the great jpeg fiasco of 2016, ok?)

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"So you're an avian dermatologist? What's your most commonly diagnosed problem?"

"Goose pimples."

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I'm going to find out if electro-shock therapy can lift one's spirits.

Also? Don't use a butter knife to get a muffin from the toaster.

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ENGLAND, 1968:

"Okay lads, what're we going to call the band?"

*Ritchie Blackmore looks at his bruised forearm*

"What about Deep Purple?"

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BUYING GROCERIES:

"Paper or plastic?"

"Both. I want a real mixed bag."

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"Hello, Cheever Books."

"Is your bookstore multi-story?"

"Nope."

"But you can't do very well if you only sell one story."

*hangs up*

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City Council Meeting—

MAYOR: Why should we sign a toothless 'Stop the Reservoir' ordinance? We're dammed if we do, and dammed if we don't.

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"Does this steak meet FDA standards for chewability?"

"Yes, it's legal tender."

Tweet mania!

MILITARY TOUR:

"And over here is a division composed entirely of grandmothers. It's called—"

"Please, don't say it!"

"The Granny Unit."

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 22, 2016

Well, as long as it isn't dangerous . . . pic.twitter.com/agvSLAbpY4

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 22, 2016

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."

—Kurt Vonnegut

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 22, 2016

This guy's a pretty lousy Johnny Depp impersonator. pic.twitter.com/3afFJfYdYU

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 21, 2016

A double negative is a definite no-no.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 20, 2016

"No, me Tarzan. YOU matter."

--Tarzan pic.twitter.com/oNXxCyVfov

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 21, 2016

"I have whales inside of me!"

—The little girl across the street explaining that she's Welsh.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 20, 2016

L.L. Bean-bag. pic.twitter.com/eoHcdnztvS

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 20, 2016

I like to set a good example as a lifelong learner by taking adult education classes.

—What I'm thinking as I get ready for Traffic School.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 16, 2016

I refuse to tweet about geology because it's beneath me.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 10, 2016

Hey, I wonder if I'll get a free coffee if I wear this around today? pic.twitter.com/g4DWFMRfIW

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 6, 2016

"Beverly Hills, 9021-Old"

Tweet Day!

Even though my dental hygienist retired, I still email her updates on my teeth. After all, she always seemed so interested in them.

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 15, 2015

"Hey, I saw you at Grocery Outlet yesterday." "As an artist I need to witness the human condition. Plus, canned peaches were on sale!"

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 14, 2015

"So Bart, you're an accomplished scholar. What's your field of study?" "It's pronounced 'scowler'—and my expertise is in grimacing."

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 14, 2015

On my first day of jury duty, I hug a courthouse pillar: "Sir? What are you doing?" "Holding court." "You're under arrest."

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 14, 2015

"Would you like some of our restaurant's own ketchup? It's house-made." "Um—is that the same as homemade?" "No, HOUSE-made." ". . ."

— Bart King (@BartKing) May 12, 2015

Fun in Winter Time

When you come inside, all bundled up against the cold, announce loudly as you remove your jacket:

"I'm taking off my outerwear!"

Because people rarely hear this word, they'll assume you mean underwear…and they'll flee in terror!

Thanksgiving Humor

These autumn jokes come from the awesome dude known as Jeffrey Z.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To help a drowning man.

Q: Why did the man act like he was drowning?
A: So he could eat the turkey for Thanksgiving.

You'll find my books in the "Anti-Optimism" section. :)

So there's twin girls who are complete opposites. One girl is a militant pessimist, while her sister's an eternal optimist.

For their birthday, the twins’ mother gives the pessimist every imaginable toy and game—but the optimist only gets a massive pile of horse manure. (Just play along, OK?)

This causes bitter weeping from the pessimist. “Why are you crying?” the mother asks.

“Now I'll have to read all these instructions, and all my friends will be jealous.”

But the optimist twin is dancing for joy on the pile of manure. “And what are YOU so happy about?” the mother asks.

“You got me a pony!”

Photo via. 

Grammarians LOVE "knock-knock" jokes!

"Knock, knock."

"Who’s there?"

"To."

"To who?"

"It’s to WHOM, you illiterate nincompoop."

Oh, snap!

"I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia, because you make children cry." Via.

Did You Hear the One About the Avar and the Dargin?

According to a story over at the New York Times, there is a magical land of humor where everyone likes to tell jokes. It’s the Russian republic of Dagestan, a mountainous area that has more than a dozen different ethnic groups, many with their own customs and languages.

This makes it a “fertile ground for humor” as Dagestanis can tell stories about silly villagers and ethnic jokes all the day long.

So we present for your approval, Dagestani jokes!

An Avar is carrying a wounded Dargin off the battlefield. The Dargin begs his friend to leave him behind, lest they both be killed, and asks the one favor of shooting him so he does not suffer. The Avar, finally convinced, pulls out his firearm but finds he has no ammunition. The Dargin roots in his pockets and pulls out a bullet. “I’ll sell it to you,” he says.

An Avar is driving through Makhachkala with a Lakh in the passenger seat. Spotting a red light, he speeds through it. “You just ran a red light!” the Lakh says. “Avars don’t stop for red lights,” the Avar explains, and speeds through another. In a few minutes, they come to a green light, and the Avar stops. “Why did you stop?” the Lakh asks. “You can’t be too careful,” his friend says, “an Avar might be coming the other way.”

And this one is my favorite:

A man approaches his neighbor Gitya, who is a member of the group known as the Avars. He says, “Gitya, I heard a great joke the other day, but it’s about Avars. I don’t want to offend you, so I’ll tell it about Azeris.” He tells the joke, and Gitya laughs so hard that tears stream down his face. “Man,” Gitya gasps, catching his breath. “Those Azeris sure are idiots!”