Hey, who put these @#$! tweets here?

SETTING: Two men sit alone at a bar.

MAN 1: Free-for-all. Mêlée. Donnybrook.

MAN 2 (slowly putting up fists): Those are fighting words!

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 9, 2016

I accidentally used anti-deodorant this morning, and boy, do I stink.

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 7, 2016

"So your full name's 'Bartholomew,' huh? But I suppose your friends call you 'Bart'."

"I wouldn't know."

". . ."

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 7, 2016

In hindsight, I should have bought more toilet paper.

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 5, 2016

Hey, 'gift' is the Norwegian word for both marriage AND poison. That's seriously messed up, right, honey?

Honey?

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 1, 2016