Tweet mania!

MILITARY TOUR:

"And over here is a division composed entirely of grandmothers. It's called—"

"Please, don't say it!"

"The Granny Unit."

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 22, 2016

Well, as long as it isn't dangerous . . . pic.twitter.com/agvSLAbpY4

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 22, 2016

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."

—Kurt Vonnegut

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 22, 2016

This guy's a pretty lousy Johnny Depp impersonator. pic.twitter.com/3afFJfYdYU

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 21, 2016

A double negative is a definite no-no.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 20, 2016

"No, me Tarzan. YOU matter."

--Tarzan pic.twitter.com/oNXxCyVfov

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 21, 2016

"I have whales inside of me!"

—The little girl across the street explaining that she's Welsh.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 20, 2016

L.L. Bean-bag. pic.twitter.com/eoHcdnztvS

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 20, 2016

I like to set a good example as a lifelong learner by taking adult education classes.

—What I'm thinking as I get ready for Traffic School.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 16, 2016

I refuse to tweet about geology because it's beneath me.

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 10, 2016

Hey, I wonder if I'll get a free coffee if I wear this around today? pic.twitter.com/g4DWFMRfIW

— Bart King (@BartKing) November 6, 2016

Hey, who put these @#$! tweets here?

SETTING: Two men sit alone at a bar.

MAN 1: Free-for-all. Mêlée. Donnybrook.

MAN 2 (slowly putting up fists): Those are fighting words!

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 9, 2016

I accidentally used anti-deodorant this morning, and boy, do I stink.

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 7, 2016

"So your full name's 'Bartholomew,' huh? But I suppose your friends call you 'Bart'."

"I wouldn't know."

". . ."

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 7, 2016

In hindsight, I should have bought more toilet paper.

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 5, 2016

Hey, 'gift' is the Norwegian word for both marriage AND poison. That's seriously messed up, right, honey?

Honey?

— Bart King (@BartKing) October 1, 2016

It's Bad Humor Sunday: All These Jokes Must GO!

"Detective, the murder victim may have been poisoned by flan. The lab tests will be done soon." "So—the proof is in the pudding."

— Bart King (@BartKing) December 13, 2015

A crow goes shopping in Boston: "Will this be cash?" "No, put it on my credit cawed."

— Bart King (@BartKing) December 13, 2015

Job Interview: "What are your hobbies?" "I love peanut butter." "OK, anything else—" [sets peanut butter jar on desk] "I REALLY LOVE IT."

— Bart King (@BartKing) December 10, 2015

Just realized that any humor concocted under a roof is an "inside joke." *mind blown*

— Bart King (@BartKing) December 10, 2015

"We can see this is a disaster site, and we're here to help. But first – stick 'em up!" —A visit from the Red Double-Cross.

— Bart King (@BartKing) December 13, 2015

TGIT

It's Friday, which means TGIT—thank goodness I tweet!

SETTING: A birthday party. "So then the late Bart King—" "Hey, I'm right here!" "And you're not very punctual, are you?" ". . ."

— Bart King (@BartKing) June 4, 2015

"Why're people just standing here looking at it? If you're not going to take a picture, get out!" —Girl in the crowd to see "The Mona Lisa"

— Bart King (@BartKing) June 11, 2015

Working at home—alone—I've gotten in the habit of not closing the bathroom door. Yet when people ARE over, do I alter my behavior? *ahem*

— Bart King (@BartKing) June 11, 2015

"Bart, why are you surrounded by armed escorts who are happily grinning?" "Cuz I wanted to be guardedly optimistic." *does a pop-and-lock*

— Bart King (@BartKing) June 10, 2015

This tidbit from today's paper is cracking me up. http://t.co/YaxSSj4K35 pic.twitter.com/OiMtKHixOK

— Bart King (@BartKing) June 10, 2015

When halfwits tweet

Things I Am Not Proud of Doing —bit finger while shoving sandwich in mouth —punched self in face while pulling on a sock —drooled just now
— Bart King (@BartKing) January 26, 2015

Did I ever tell you about when I did a charity walk for equal rights and tore my ACLU?
— Bart King (@BartKing) January 24, 2015

I just spread peanut butter on a peanut-butter cookie, and ripped a hole in the space-time continuum.
— Bart King (@BartKing) January 17, 2015

I agree with what he said.

Sometimes it's fun to go on Twitter and run a search on your own name. That's what I just did; here's what I found!

Thanks, Mitchell J.!

Broadway Books in Portland has a story to share with you.

Multi-Tasking in the Oregonian

The Sunday Oregonian's "Books" section has a piece of mine about micro-literary criticism and Twitter. As the headline above shows, the formatting of the piece is spot-on.

But I also bring sad news: The author's photo accompanying the on-line article reveals me as both insufferably smarmy AND blurry around the edges. (Smarmy and blurry? Hmm, that's actually not half-bad...)

This Is Why Twitter Rocks Like a Hurricane

Favorite Tweet