I Won a Major Award!

No big deal, but I was just awarded WRITING'S GREATEST PRIZE! No, not the Nobel Prize in Literature. Even better—I won the ”Vile Pun” category in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

As background, the BLFC challenges writers to compose the first sentence for the worst imaginable novel. It has various genre categories (Adventure, Romance, Science Fiction, etc.), and there's also one for "Vile Puns."

As nothing is more unfunny than explaining a joke, here goes: A Peer is a member of the British aristocracy, and telling someone to "take a long walk off a short pier" is a way of telling someone to get lost.

So anyway, you can imagine how proud I am! And if you read any of the award-winning entries and think, "I could write worse than THAT," enter this contest next year. :)

New hoodie!

Portland’s beautiful in autumn when the leaflets turn.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You might think it's R, but it's the C.

(Sorry. Blame Emily.)

Sorry, it's not a very old Lang sign.

(You know, Auld Lang Syne?)

"Hello, is this the sign shop? It is? Good. I need a new butt!"

... said the cigar-store owner, after a storm knocked down his old sign.

Once in the 2nd grade, I had to sit by myself in the corner for misbehaving.

But that was an isolated incident.

I made a sandwich at Powell's bookstore on Hawthorne!

I could watch the World Cup all day!

Massive props to you!

I guess the sventh Eric is taking the picture.

One chilly dog, to go.

 

Via.

A SHORT HORROR STORY

There was an unexpected knock at the door.

Let that sink in.

(With a nod to Tom Tomorrow.)

A SLIGHTLY LONGER HORROR STORY

His fingers met a soft, plastic-wrapped object. 

Jerking his hand out of the pocket, he tried to remember the last time he’d worn this coat. Was it for a dog walk—last week?

And in a chilling rush, two words sprang to his mind: 

Biodegradable bag.

LOL

From the Arizona Republic.

Not to be rude, but this is a REALLY BIG BUTT

I have a question:

(•_•)
<) )   Feeling claustrophobic?
 / \ 

\(•_•) 
  ( (>  Because these are...
  / \ 

(•_•)
<) )> ...close quarters.
  / \

"I ain't afraid of no goats..."

Thanks to TheRiverMonkey!

Oh, hi! Sorry, I just really needed to clear my head this morning.

Hey, this carrot is ready to bust a move!

Just drop the beet. (Thanks, yblaze!)

"Agent prova-cute-ur"

Via.