MEMO

To: Portland resident
From: Neighborhood Association 
Subject: You are freaking us out

There have been multiple complaints of traumatized passersby fleeing your property. This no doubt relates to your disturbing habit of standing at a window while clad in a hooded cloak festooned with goats’ heads and enjoying your morning coffee. 

Also: please trim those hedges.

Cordially yours, 

The Neighborhood Association